Hold the Mayo, Please

Mo Money: My fighter and protector since day one.

In 2020 I went on a couple of trips to a place I never, ever wanted to go, and never thought I would need to go-The Mayo Clinic. But in August of 2020, after hospitalizations and months of issues from nerve damage, heart issues, and declining health, my family finally convinced me to take the journey to Rochester, Minnesota. While many people offered to accompany me on the trip, it ultimately ended up being a “reunion vacation” with my old roommates/parents Mike Sr. and Mo Money. Although I must say I almost backed out of the trip all together when my Dad tried to pull a fast one on me and my Mom THE NIGHT BEFORE by suggesting we take his car instead of the Honda Mini van. My dad received two responses to this suggestion. My Mom responded first with just a simple “Mmmm No, Sweetie.” Since my Mom is the boss, my dad and I both knew that was the final answer, we would not be taking his Chevy Impala. But, since I am a “smart ass,” (as my parents have so affectionately called me from a young age) I couldn’t help but add my two cents to his suggestion. I first asked my Dad if he even remembered how to back his car out of the garage it had been so long since he had driven it (He hardly ever drives it as he does not like to get it dirty). I then said that there was no way I was riding all the way to Minnesota in the back of his old geezer car, there just was not enough cupholders.

I was honestly appalled at my Dad’s suggestion. It was like he didn’t know me or my Mom at all. Didn’t he know the Chevy Impala only had 8 cupholders? Did he not remember how many cupholders my Mom and I take up with with all our drinks and items? My Mom with her coffee, yogurt, possible McDonald’s oatmeal and water and me with my Dunkin Coffee, two waters, Propel, Diet Coke and Gatorade? Did he block out all the family road trips we took? Thinking back… probably.

The morning finally came to leave for the Clinic and I was taking my sweet time as I was in no rush to get out the door seeing as I wasn’t really looking forward to going there in the first place , but my Dad was very much rushing me out the door. He was also making comments about how I was packing too much and that we would be running out of space in the Mini Van. (Yeah right like that would happen in our HONDA mini van which comfortably seats 8 and has plenty of leg space and cargo room). My sister Jane asked if I wanted to borrow her nail file for the trip but I was sure to decline her offer, saying very loudly so my Dad could hear me from where he was in the other part of the house, that there wasn’t enough space in the van for me to bring it. My Dad and I were really starting the trip out on a good note. After a lot of running around the three of us were finally in the van ready to pull out of the driveway. Two of my sisters had come home from the North Side of the City to say goodbye and wish us well before our big trip so they were waiting on the porch ready to see us off. Just as my Dad was about to put the car in reverse my mom thought that that exact moment would be a great time to show my Dad a cute video our oldest sister had sent of her kids the night before that “she was so busy rushing around packing” she didn’t get the chance to show him. “Hold on Mo, I can’t really see it right now… I need my glasses.” My Dad said as she shoved the phone in his face. With that he put the car in park (still in the driveway), got his glasses out and the two of them watched this video, while me, my two sisters on the porch, and probably the rest of the block LISTENED to the video since my Mom’s phone is hooked up to her car and they had it blasting through the mini van speakers. “WOW!” I yelled from the back seat so they could hear me over the sound of my niece and nephew coming out of the Mini Van speakers. “I AM SO GLAD I RUSHED TO GET IN THE CAR FOR THIS FIVE HOUR ROAD TRIP JUST TO SPEND AN EXTRA 4 MINUTES LISTENING TO AUDIO OF A VIDEO PARKED IN OUR VERY OWN DRIVEWAY!” After we gave the whole neighborhood a free concert of screaming kids, we were FINALLY on the road.

The car ride there was an interesting one to say the least. We were on the road less than an hour before my Dad needed to stop for a McDonald’s Diet Coke. A little while later my Mom asked if she could “Lean her chair back a little.” Before I could answer she nearly broke my nose with her headrest she pushed her seat back so far and so quickly. I was so badly pinned beneath her seat, I almost couldn’t get out my phone to take the below Snap Chat to send to my siblings.

Then later the two of them took out some booklet with some weird squiggly lines all over it and started studying it. I asked what it was and they said it was an “Atlas”-Some collection of maps they used to use back in the 80s. I then asked my parents if they knew what year it was. It was a legit question though as my dad drove so slow, I started to question what year it was myself. Was time backwards? Were we moving in slow motion? I watched as car after semi-truck after snail passed us on the road. “Hey Dad!” I called up from the back. “Are you trying to add more ailments to my already long list of medical conditions before we get to the Mayo Clinic?” “No. Why?” He asked sounding confused” “Then why are you making the rest of our ears bleed with this awful talk radio you’re listening to? When can I put my Spotify road trip playlist on?” My Mom laughed. I waited until the point in my Dad’s rant when he called me a “Millennial Snowflake who doesn’t know the front door from the back” and then I smiled and put my headphones in. I had my dose of entertainment so I was set for at least the next few hours.

A Smiling Snowflake

After a few more hours my Dad got off at a rest stop for us to have lunch. He made a beeline for the first McDonald’s he saw as he and my Mom LOVE McDonald’s. They asked what I wanted but I wasn’t too hungry and I also don’t love McDonald’s as much as they do so I said I would just get a snack at the gas station. They did not like that answer so they forced me to eat somewhere, after a lot of back and forth, I don’t even remember how we ended up going here, but we ended up going through the drive through at Culver’s. Now, lots of people have regrets in their life. Going through this Culver’s with my parents may forever be my biggest regret in life because of the the amount of questions it somehow sparked. My parents were firing questions at me left and right. For some reason they acted like they had never heard of Culver’s. They also must have thought I was a cofounder of Culver’s or something with all the questions they were asking me:

(In line in the Drive-through)
Mom: Kathleen, Did you say this place is know for their fries?
Me: No, I never said that
Dad: Now, Kathleen, Is this a burger place?
Me: Yeah, you can get a burger.
Mom: So Kathleen, you said this place has good fries?
Me: Mom, you literally just asked me that. I never said anything about their fries.
Dad: No fries for me! I don’t care if they have good fries I don’t want any fries.
Me: I never said anything about their fries
Dad: Kathleen, what do people order here?
Me: Dad, the menu is right there. Get a burger if you want.
Dad: Well how big are their burgers? And I do NOT want fries.
Me: Oh, well, let me go get my measuring tape I always carry around in my pocket and measure a burger patty for you! I don’t know Dad! Just order something!
Mom: Oh shoot Mike, Honey this is a Pepsi products place.
Me: Just go to McDonalds! I didn’t even suggest going here I am not even hungry!

After many more questions and complaints, we finally had our food. Since indoor dining at Culver’s was closed due to COVID restrictions and already spending that extra 4 minutes in the car watching that video of their grandkids, my parents thought it would be a good idea to eat our lunch on a picnic table outside the Culver’s. This was my own personal Hell as it was windy and there is nothing I hate more than having to be outside on a windy day let alone eat outside. Our lunch was not very enjoyable-Napkins blowing every where, debris from a nearby tree getting in my pop, there was a bee by us, we were steps away from a highway so it was loud. The only one who seemed happy was my Dad and that was because he was watching semi trucks go by on the highway while eating the fries he said he didn’t want. Finally we all had enough and finished our lunch in the car. “So how did you guys like your first meal at Culver’s?” I asked as we continued our drive. They both kind of looked at me and scoffed as if I had just asked them the dumbest question in the world. “Um, we’ve eaten at Culver’s before, Kathleen.” My Mom said with a little chuckle. “Yeah, don’t you know there’s just one a few block’s away from our house?” My Dad said. Apparently they were the new Culver’s experts, and I was ok with that.

We made one more stop at my Mom’s old college so she could relive her glory days a bit and then we FINALLY arrived at the hotel. When we got to the lobby to check in I noticed they offered free coffee WITH flavored creamer-always a sign of a high end hotel. Mike Sr. knows how to treat his girls-only the finest Marriott’s for us! The hotel receptionist gave us our two rooms (side by side) and we took the elevator up to our floor. I was pretty pumped to have my own room but just as I was walking in my room yelling to my parents “Peace out! See you in the morning.” I noticed my mom was following me in and not my Dad. “Oh whoa, Mom, you’re at the wrong room, silly!” I said “Dad, you better keep an eye on this one she’s walking in to other people’s rooms!” Probably not a joke you should make in the hallway of a hotel when other people can hear you, but I went for it. “Haha, no Sweetie,” My Mom said. “Dad and I thought I could stay with you!” “Yeah you girls have fun!” My Dad said as he started walking towards his room. “Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, hold on. Are you guys having marital problems or something? Wait you are still married…right?” I said. (Another joke in hotel hallway) “I do not remember discussing this. If this is something where you want to show moral support by not leaving me alone, I can assure you, I am good being alone. Second, I think the rules of marriage state that you pretty much have to share a hotel room when you travel together. I think it’s in the vows: ‘To love and share hotel rooms together for as long as you both shall live’ thus I should have my own room not Dad. Ok, well good chat! But I think I should hit the hay so I’m going to head to my room now bye!” “No, no, no!” My Dad replied. “I need my own room because I get up so early and Mom sleeps so late so we thought it would be best if you two share. Plus I have work calls this week I need to take.” “But I am up very late.” I responded, “Plus, Dad, do you not remember that I am a business woman that went on TWO business trips where I stayed in my own room? I have grown accustomed to this corporate lifestyle I cannot go back to sharing now.” Both being business people, my Dad and I negotiated for a while but ultimately I let him have his own room and my Mom and I shared.

Making a quick stop at my Mom’s old college to let her take her own trip down memory lane.
The AMAZING view from our Room.
Me and my roommate hanging out watching a Dateline

The next morning We had to be up bright and early to be at the Clinic for lots of doctors appointments, procedures and tests. My Dad had to work and my new roommate conveniently had to go back to our hotel after getting a migraine so I was there by myself. I thought my roommate was going to be cool but I guess not. At the end of the day they gave me a COVID test which I’m pretty sure they used a wire coat hanger to shove up my nose, to my brain and down my throat. They were so “Thorough” that I got a nosebleed from it. So, there I was, looking like a huge dork with my head tilted back, bloody tissues everywhere, trying to pitch my nose, keep my mask on and call my Dad to come pick me up all at the same time. When we got back to the hotel that evening my mom was still laying down with a migraine so my dad and I decided to go for a walk around a nearby lake that we heard about (Once my nosebleed stopped). You may be thinking in your head, ‘Oh what a nice father/daughter activity!’ Well it was NOT! My Dad kept saying I wasn’t walking fast enough even though I was practically running, and he kept making loud inappropriate comments about everyone and everything on the crowded lakefront trail but claimed he was whispering. On about the 100th time he told me I was walking too slow I finally had enough and responded “MAYBE I AM WALKING SLOW BECAUSE I DON’T WANT PEOPLE TO THINK WE’RE TOGETHER WITH ALL THE INNAPPROPRIATE COMMENTS YOU’RE MAKING!!” I then told him to just go ahead and keep on fast walking back to the hotel but he wouldn’t because he said he ‘didn’t want people on the path thinking he left his little 8th grade daughter alone.’ That is the last walk we took together that trip.

When we got back my Mom was up so we discussed where to go to dinner. I made numerous suggestions that people had recommended to me and my Mom kept saying “Sounds tasty but let’s save that for another night” because she basically had her mind already set on Panera so we ended up going to Panera. After dinner my Dad wanted to stop at the grocery store for the second time in less than 24 hours to get more yogurt. “How many yogurts are you downing in that room of yours, Dad?” I asked as we were in the all too familiar yogurt aisle yet again.

On This Mayo journey I discovered that my parents really love two things: Chain restaurants and yogurt. We made so many stops for my Dad to get yogurt I think he cleaned out the state of Minnesota of it. The United Dairy Farmers had to have an emergency meeting after the consumption of yogurt on that trip. My parents also kept pushing their love of yogurt on me, encouraging me to get some yogurt as well. I finally caved and picked the least tasting yogurt-like yogurt that I could find.

The next couple of days were filled with more tests, procedures, doctors and yogurt of course. On our last day we got back to the hotel late from the Clinic and I said I wanted to get outside and go for a walk after being poked and prodded in a hospital bed all day. My mom said she would join me and then asked if it was ok if she invited dad… I said no, because of our walking experience the last time but she must have thought I was kidding because she texted him anyway. After receiving the text he came over to our room and announced that ‘if we were going to walk slow he didn’t want to go because he needed to walk fast’ which then led into my Dad and I getting into a fast/slow walking argument. My Mom, AKA THE POT STIRRER who started this whole thing in the first place, then acted like she was the peace maker, and decided my Dad would go on his walk alone and “the girls” would go on their walk. But she also wanted to have a “Happy Hour” drink after our walks but before our dinner reservations so then it was decided that we would all meet back in “the girls room” for a drink before our reservations. All three of us agreed to the boss’ plan and headed out on our separate walks like one big dysfunctional family. When we got back my Mom and I were waiting for my Dad to have our drink but he wasn’t answering any of our texts, calls or knocks on his door. Finally, about ten minutes before we had to leave for dinner he came into our room all ready to go to dinner and told us that he already had his drink in his room by himself because he (and his is a direct quote) “Didn’t know when we’d be coming back from our SLOW walk” so he just went ahead and had his drink. I asked if he made any effort to text, call, or respond to our texts/calls or even knock on our hotel room door that was right next to his to try and find out when we’d be back to which he simply said “No.”

After my Mom and I chugged our beers we’d been waiting to drink with my Dad we headed to dinner. I knew immediately that I was going to need another beer when I saw the QR codes on the tables. Why was God punishing me so much? Had I not suffered enough? I honestly didn’t think I had the energy to explain QR codes to the Baby Boomers. Somehow I gathered the last of my strength to show them how to access the menu:

Dad: Hells bells! I forgot my glasses again!
Mom: Here Mike, Honey you can borrow mine.
Dad: Oh Hell! The print is so small you can hardly read the damn thing!
Mom: Oops! Kathleen, sweetie I accidently x’ed out of my menu on my phone. Can you pull it up again?
Dad: I had a big lunch so I don’t want anything big!
Mom: I don’t either because with us leaving tomorrow, I don’t think we’ll be able to take any leftovers home! Oh whoops! Kathleen I lost the menu on my phone again!

Once we moved past the ordeal of getting the menu we had a nice dinner. We discussed what the doctors had said and different test results. My Mom talked about how impressed she was with the doctors we met with and my Dad talked a lot about how much he really enjoyed having his one hotel room. He went into great detail about how neat and tidy he kept his room all week compared to ours and how he was so glad he did not have to share with us and all our ‘foo-foo girl products’ all over the room. After dinner we obviously made a stop at the railroad tracks so my Dad could check those out, then we headed back to our hotel to get some rest before our drive back home the next morning.

While I wish I could say that was our last trip the the Mayo Clinic, we did have to go back. But luckily the following trip gave my Mom the opportunity to hit up the Olive Garden she’d had her eye on since the moment we arrived on that first trip. Bottomless breadsticks? Totally worth another trip to Mayo.

Lots of people go to the Mayo Clinic to “find answers” to their medical misfortune. But sometimes those answers aren’t always the the ones you’d hope to find. This was unfortunately what happened in our case. But we got our answers nonetheless. The best solution now is to take those answers and move forward with them. And I am ok with that because what I’ve learned on this journey is that I have the most supportive family and friends a person could ask for. The past year has been a crazy one, but I will forever be grateful to everyone we helped me and will continue to help me along the way.

Special shout out to the bag on the right, which gave me the most support by allowing me to put all my car items in it during my Mayo trip.
Checking another Chain Restaurant off their list: Perkin’s

Living My Best Quarantine Life

The savages in quarantine

A few months ago, my sister Jane and I went on one of our usual quarantine walks. But on this particular walk, for whatever reason, we decided to switch things up a bit and go through the cemetery. Maybe it was because we were getting bored of our normal route, or maybe it was because growing up, instead of watching “Sesame Street,” my Mom had shows like “Dateline” and “Cold Case Files” playing for us so we felt quite comfortable with death. Whatever the reason, we were really enjoying walking through the cemetery on that bright sunny morning, commenting on all the headstones, picking out our favorites, and discussing if we would go with granite or quartz, an in-ground or above-ground headstone when our time came, when I noticed someone had left a Dunkin Donuts’ coffee at their loved one’s grave. Being a Dunkin coffee lover myself, I thought this was very nice, and I asked Jane if she would do that for me when I kicked the bucket. Well, let me tell you, a person’s true colors REALLY shine when you ask them to pick you up a coffee postmortem because here is the conversation that followed:

Me: Wow, that’s really sweet that person left a Dunkin coffee on the headstone for their loved one! Jane, would you do that for me when I die?
Jane: Awww that was so nice! Hmmm well, I mean you do love your Dunkin Coffee. That’s probably your favorite food right?
Me: I mean yea, I’d say it’s the base of my food pyramid, yes.
Jane: Ok, well would I have to actually pay to have coffee put in a Dunkin cup or could I just go to Dunkin and ask for the cup and put that on your grave?
Me: Ok. Wow, first off, you cheap ass! A Dunkin Coffee is like two dollars just suck it up and get me the coffee for crying out loud! I’m dead! All you have to do is pay two dollars! You got the way better end of this deal YET AGAIN CLASSIC HEALTHY JANE LIVING LONGER THAN ME!! Second, HOW IS AN EMPTY CUP GOING TO STAY AT MY GRAVE IT WILL BLOW AWAY!!
Jane: I would put rocks or water in the cup to hold it down.
Me: Ok, you know what that might work better because now that I think about it, since I get my coffee with cream and sugar if you leave that by my grave that may attract animals and I don’t want them stomping on all the flowers Mom will be planting at my grave.
Jane: Ok then so what will you bring to my grave when I die?
Me: Well obviously you LOVE hummus and chips so I’ll bring you the COSTCO sized hummus. But I will need to know what type of chips you want. Should I bring pretzel chips or pita chips for you?
Jane: Hmm, yikes, tough choice. I kind of like to switch it up. Can you alternate and maybe bring me hummus and pita chips one week and then hummus and pretzel chips the next week?
Me: UMMMM excuse me?! I’m sorry, do you think I am going to turn into your own personal Grub Hub delivery service once you die?! And do you know how pricey pita chips and pretzel chips can be?!! You won’t even buy me a two dollar coffee and you want me to buy you pita chips AND pretzel chips weekly like I am some sort of grocery delivery service?! You’re lucky I’m even bringing you chips!! I could make you dip vegetables in the hummus if I really wanted to! And we have to chat about the frequency of these grave site visits, I mean I’ll do my best to be there but I have a full time job and then once it gets into the winter months you know I get cold easily. I can’t be standing out there in the elements. These Chicago winters are no joke.
Jane: Yea, your lips turn purple when it gets lower than 70 degrees out that’s true.

After more discussion, we got the grave-site schedule figured out (a logistical nightmare but thank goodness we checked that off our list!) and enjoyed the rest of our walk through the cemetery. Jane tried to appease me and say that she would leave a gift card at my grave that had two dollars on it, to which I was even more insulted.

Those Geese better stay away from my Dunkin coffee when I’m dead!

A lot of people have used this quarantine to get in shape, organize their homes, or try out new recipes. (I’ve done none of that.) Other people have been really, really bored during this quarantine. Luckily for me, I have been able to keep myself entertained, because honestly, no one can make me laugh quite like I can. So, what have I been doing over quarantine? Well, I’ve gone on a lot of walks. LOTS of walks. Part of my daily routine involves going for a walk, coming home, checking my Fitbit for my step count, being surprised at how low it is and yelling out loud “UGH! THAT’S IT?!!” And then telling everyone around that my Fitbit MUST be broken because I for sure walked farther than it has documented.

Jane and I tried to walk to our brother’s house one day to hang out but he wasn’t home so we looked around for a key, couldn’t find one so then we hung out on his patio for a long time until he returned because in quarantine, time doesn’t matter.
I noticed a trend that a lot of people liked to post their workout results on their social media accounts so I thought I’d jump on the bandwagon and do the same. Felt good to sweat out all those White Claws I drank the night before.

Other than going on walks, another favorite quarantine pass-time of mine is watching recipe videos. I never actually make any of the recipes, but for some reason those recipe videos of the hands making various dishes show up on my newsfeed and they are so mesmerizing that all of a sudden it’s 6 hours later and I haven’t blinked. So that’s really taken up a good chunk of my time.

Other than that, so far during quarantine I’ve watched a lot of shows, drank a lot outside, took a lot of Snapchats and even attempted to make a few smoothies (Went horribly wrong). But my proudest accomplishment so far during quarantine has definitely been getting my haircut. While I’ve been blessed with a great flow of hair, it’s a wild mane, and when it’s not tamed I literally look like Jesus. So when the whole world went on lock down, including hair salons, Jesus rose again:

A Lake weekend when I couldn’t properly maintain my luscious locks.
The Jesus hair’s last supper before I got my haircut.
I have no problem using my nieces and nephews for entertainment so here I subjected my niece Ciara to sit and try out numerous Snapchat filters with me. Despite the look on her face WE WERE HAVING FUN I SWEAR!!!
My Millennial brain could not handle the 80s appliances so I aborted the smoothie mission.
It’s still hard for me to talk about this day when my recording of the Bachelorette failed and I missed the entire episode.

While I am MORE than ready to be done with this quarantine, I am very lucky that my family has been able to stay healthy during all of this. My two biggest complaints have been that the Governor kept interrupting “Inside Edition” and “Jeopardy” to give daily updates and that my Dad changed his laundry day. So with those being my biggest problems right now I am extremely lucky. But my Dad really did throw us all for a loop when he changed his laundry day from Sunday to Monday. He has been doing the laundry on Sunday’s for the last 35 years and all of a sudden he switches things up on us! My siblings and I have never felt so lost and confused.

WE DEMAND ANSWERS, DAD!!!!

Quarantine life hasn’t been ideal, but I’m very fortunate I get to spend it with this crew:

Back in early quarantine when Zoom Happy Hours were fun and cool and not a total and utter BURDEN and absolute drag like they are now.

Come Back To Me, Summer of 2020

A few weeks ago, we all gathered at my Parents’ Lakehouse to close things up for the Summer. We all couldn’t believe how fast the Summer flew! Despite COVID, our family still had an eventful summer. Here are the top five things that happened to the Kelly Family during the Summer of 2020:

  1. Mike and Mo got a new Honda Mini Van

When my parents first told me they were getting rid of our 2012 Honda Mini Van, I was DEVASTATED. 16 cupholders, automatic sliding doors, captain chairs, enough seating and legroom to comfortably seat eight. WHY WOULD THEY GET RID OF SUCH A FINE AUTOMOBILE?!
“You’re getting rid of Mama Mini?!” I yelled back as my parents broke the news to me. (Mama Mini was what we affectionately called her.) “You can’t! Why are you replacing her? Oh my gosh am I going to have to open my own door now?!” I had really grown accustom to the automatic sliding doors.

My sadness was quickly replaced with joy when my parents told me they were getting a 2020 Honda Mini Van. I then went back to sadness though when they told me this Mini Van only had 15 cupholders instead of 16. Mike and Mo really took me on a rollercoaster ride of emotions that day. When my Dad told me the new Mini Van had butt warmers, I asked if we were rich. Turns out we’re not, they just come standard now on all Honda Mini Vans.

Everyone takes pictures with their car before trading it in, right?

While we love our new Honda Mini Van, it’s definitely been an adjustment for our family. And by “Our Family” I really only mean Mike and Mo because they are terrible with technology and cannot figure out how to use “all the new bells and whistles” as they like to say. My Dad claims you “Practically need an engineering degree in order to operate the damn thing.” (Direct quote from Mike Sr.)

Please see below photo of Mike and Mo trying to work the radio on their new car. Take special note of the reading glasses Mike Sr. has on as he tries to work the touch screen. Like the wonderful daughter I am, instead of helping them, I took photos and laughed.

They ended up going with the silver Mini Van, since according to Mike and Mo, the world is overpopulated with Grey Honda Mini Vans. Gotta switch it up.

2. We Finally Put up the Gazebo

For Christmas 2019, the five of us thought it was a good idea to get our parents a screened-in gazebo for their Lakehouse. Well, we quickly added this to our list of “gifts for Mom and Dad that backfire on us” (the “smart tv” we bought for them is still at the top of that list). If you are ever thinking about buying a Gazebo that requires assembly, may I suggest that you instead go work in some hot factory with no air conditioning for a day because that sounds fun compared to our experience putting up our Gazebo. Naturally, assisting my Dad in putting it up fell on the three old maids-Bridget, Jane and myself. Because if we aren’t going to provide them with grandchildren, the least we can do is provide them with manual labor, right? I sustained not one but TWO injuries during the Gazebo assembly. After my second injury I thought that would be my ticket out, but my Dad said I needed to continue helping because he needed my small hands to fit the pieces together. I told him I was going to file a workers’ comp lawsuit against him, but he ignored me.

My normal height is 5’3 but after stretching so much to reach things during the gazebo assembly, I think I grew a few inches. Apparently my Dad is the only one allowed on a ladder. Totally sexist. After a lot of blood, sweat, tears, watching YouTube videos on how to put gazebos together, and enduring way too many dumb jokes from my Dad, we finally got the gazebo up.

My Dad was a little disappointed the Gazebo blocked the view of his pride and joy, the shed.

3. Our Summer Spider Decided to Become a Fall Spider

Every summer for the past couple of years we’ve has a giant spider take up residency on our front porch, making a web in front of our door every single night so one of us would walk into it EVERY SINGLE morning and then feel itchy the rest of the day. While it’s annoying, we all admired the spider for his hard work and dedication, always remaking his web after one of us ruined it. When Memorial Day rolled around, we anxiously awaited the Spider’s return. But as the weeks ticked on, no one saw him. I kept asking my family members if they had seen him, but no one had. Finally in August I texted my sister Jane to share my concerns:

To my relief, a few weeks into September, my Mom informed me that she spotted the spider, confirming her suspision that the Summer Spider had turned into a Fall Spider. I’m not sure why he changed his visiting season, if maybe he found a new love of pumpkin spiced lattes or something, but I was just glad the spider was ok.

4. Our Microwave broke

Now we don’t want to point fingers about who broke the microwave, but it was definitely my Mom. And she broke it twice. My parents’ microwave is situated about the stove which is not a problem for most average height people. But my mom, being a little shorty, has a bit of difficulty reaching it at a good level, so she pulls down on the handle when she opens the door instead of opening it straight on. Well after years of my mom opening that door to reheat her days old coffee to her ideal scalding/boiling point level 50 times a day, the door finally broke.

The microwave breaking was very upsetting for my parents, and it led to an entire dinner of my parents reminiscing about their old microwave that they bought in the 80’s that they kept for about 20 years.

Dad: I tell you, they don’t make microwaves like they used to.
Mom: You’re right Mike. That first microwave we bought lasted about 20 years! The ones now are junk. That was a good microwave.
Dad: Yea, that was. We sure got our money’s worth out of that one, Mo!
Me: Excuse me, sorry to interrupt the trip you two are taking down microwave memory lane, but are you guys talking about the microwave we had with the faux wood on the side? The same one Michael exploded a mercury thermometer in and yet you guys STILL thought it was a good idea to keep using?
Mom: Well, we FOUND the ball of mercury, didn’t we?! Don’t you remember? I had all you kids crawling around on the kitchen floor searching for the ball of mercury? Actually Kathleen, I think you’re the one that found it!
Me: No I remember, I just think MAYBE when a mercury thermometer explodes in your microwave, that may be a sign you need to replace the microwave.
Mom: That was a good mercury thermometer too. I bet those mercury thermometers are way more accurate than the digital ones now!

Knowing that when it comes to replacing appliances my parents really drag their feet (I still have PTSD from when the rinse cycle on the washing machine broke and we had to continue using it for over a year before it was replaced) and having some time to spare since I am an insomniac and don’t sleep, I looked up some YouTube videos and figured out how to replace the broken lever in the microwave and fixed it. Only to have my Mom break it again.

Yup, just call me your modern day renaissance woman! My dad even let me borrow his tool purse. Although he made me promise to stop calling it a tool “purse” because it was in fact a tool “bag.” (see it pictured above of tool purse and you be the judge.)

So after the microwave breaking twice, my Mom bought a temporary “mini microwave” to place on the counter until she “Found time to research permanent microwaves.” After only a few months of using the mini microwave, Mike and Mo finally got their permanent one. Another adjustment for them, but they are working through it.

5. No one murdered any wildlife

I think this is the first summer on record that someone in our family didn’t accidentally kill a beautiful exotic bird (Dad) slaughter a frog/toad (Mom) or crush a turtle to death (Jane). All those were accidents of course (I think). I am especially proud of my Mom on this. I was very worried that she was going to purchase a BB gun and try and kill one of the squirrels that was going after her bird seed. It was a very stressful summer for me trying to protect the squirrel population. In the end though, all local wildlife coexisted safely with our family and made it into the fall season. I am proud, and I think Saint Francis of Assisi would be too.

So that just amount sums up the summer of 2020! It was a good one for our family filled with lots of laughs and lots of time at the lake! Can’t wait to see what the Fall has in store for us!

My Mom got “Captain Mike” koozies made so I anxiously await my “Captain Kathleen” koozie.

They Say It’s Your Birthday

This year, my Mom instigated a new tradition for our family- The “Birthday Bonanza.” What is a Birthday Bonanza you might ask? Well it’s basically a fancy name my Mom gave wanting to combine several of her children and grandchildren’s birthdays together so she could get them over with in one big dinner. So far this year, she’s had two Birthday Bonanzas. Our most recent birthday Bonanza was a huge success. We celebrated My brother Michael’s birthday and my nieces Abby and Ava and nephew Michael’s 3rd birthdays. This Bonanza had THREE different cakes and celebrated the honorees birthdays BEFORE their actual birthday-something that almost NEVER happens in our family. We’re never early for anything! My Mom was very pleased.

Obviously the case of Twisted Teas in the back was a gift for the 3 year olds to split, so calm down everyone we weren’t going to let them each have their own case until they’re at least 4.

While the second birthday Bonanza went smoothly, the first Birthday Bonanza was a bit of a different story. My Dad, my niece Ciara, my sisters Bridget and Jane and myself were all the Guinea pigs for this one. All of our birthdays are either in March or April and we finally got our Birthday Bonanza in June. From the very start of planning for this inaugural bonanza I couldn’t help but feel like we were putting my mom out. “Now listen!” My mom said to me a few days before the Bonanza, anger and annoyance in her voice “I HAVE A PORK ROAST THAT’S BEEN IN THE FREEZER FOR TOO LONG NOW SO WE ARE USING IT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY DINNER! IF I DON’T USE IT SOON IT IS GOING TO GO BAD SO THAT IS WHAT WE ARE HAVING, END OF DISCUSSION!” I sat there for a minute a little confused as I didn’t have a clue as to why I was being yelled at about a pork roast when I was just innocently sitting in the TV room sipping my Diet Coke trying to watch a Dateline I had recorded from the previous week. “Ummmm ok…” I responded. I could tell this frozen pork roast sitting in the freezer had been a dark cloud over my mom’s head for some time. So I decided to respond with a sarcastic comment “No better time to thaw out and serve a questionable hunk of meat than on the birthday celebration of your three old maid daughters huh Mom?” She then called me a little smart ass. I laughed.

The pork roast pressure must have been too stressful for my mom to handle because just one day before the big Bonanza she threw a curve ball at us and moved the location from my parents’ house to my brothers’ house.

Still can’t believe my Mom made me bring my own beer to my own birthday party!

Although it got off to a rocky start, Bonanza #1 turned out to be a good time and no one got sick from the frozen pork roast. It was a great day celebrating the three month anniversary of my 29th birthday.

Spoiler Alert everyone I wished for my OWN Birthday Bonanza.

Growing up, birthdays were a big deal in our house. It was your time to shine and get all the attention for once. Plus, you even got to choose the dinner that night! It was our parents way of making us feel special. They even let us use a plate on our birthday stating that we were special:

Please note that while the plate acknowledges you are in fact special, it clearly states that you are only special TODAY AND TODAY ONLY. Mike and Mo did not want their children thinking they were special 365 days a year

I, of course did not want my older sister Bridget to feel too special so I decided to be born on her birthday so we could share in the special-ness together. I often remind her that I am the greatest birthday gift she ever received. This meant that not only did we always have to coordinate on what dinner we wanted for our birthday celebration, my parents had to purchase ANOTHER “you are special plate.” After the unexpected financial burden of this extra plate, my mom must have tried to make up the cost by wrapping our birthday gifts in newspaper for the next 25 years. I don’t think any of us ever received a gift from my parents that was wrapped in birthday wrapping paper. Because nothing says “happy birthday” quite like getting a gift wrapped in the obituaries section.

As you can see, cantaloupe was on sale for $1.58 when Michael turned 7
Not sure who invited the Grim Reaper there in the purple hoodie on the left but looks like he may have been there for Jane judging by how rough she looks. Let’s zoom in a little…
Hope Jane was unwrapping some Pedialyte, looks like she was pretty hungover and struggling from the night before.

But thank you Mom for cutting costs so Bridget and I could each have our own plates on our birthdays!

Hostess Cupcake: The official sponsor of the Bridget and Kathleen Birthday.
Bridget’s 6th and my 4th birthday. As you can see, I still had yet to master the “hold up how many fingers old you are” pose and had to turn to see if I was doing it right. Math has never been my thing.
One time my Grandma remembered it was Bridget’s birthday but forgot it was my birthday too so while Bridget got a birthday bear I got a Thanksgiving bear. Totally not noticeable at all though.
Bridget trying to reject my love on our birthday in high school. She was clearly still upset that I stole her birthday
I hope we both wished for vitamin D on this birthday because judging by our ghostly skin, we were both severely deficient.

In addition to using newspaper to wrap our gifts, my mom was also a huge fan of reusing boxes. Mo has an eye for real sturdy, quality cardboard boxes. Did you think you were going to just toss that box your new iPhone came in? Oh no, think again-Mo Money has plans to use it on Christmas to wrap up some socks she got you, that box is NOT leaving the house. It will go in the box closet in the basement. Some might say these actions sound like early warning signs of hoarding, but we know they are actions of a mother’s love. When you get a gift from my mom, very rarely does the box coincide with the actual gift inside. It really adds to the surprise. I think this is why she always made us do the “hold up your unwrapped gifts for the camera” pose.

That was not that iHome box’s last birthday party I’ll tell you that.
What a hottie that Ken.
The chin-up bar that my dad never let my brother hang up as he said it would ruin the door frame so instead it sat in that box in the basement for the next 15 years.
Really my mom should have told Jane to lay off the booze. Let’s zoom in a little on her face:
Two year old baby or deranged man? Cast your vote now.

While the birthday dinners were mostly happy ones, there would always be a fight about blowing out the candles. Because the five of us kids were all jerks, we all got a huge thrill out of trying to blow out each others’ birthday candles. Like clockwork, we’d sing “Happy Birthday” and right as the birthday kid was about to make a wish and blow out the candles, one of us would come from behind and blow them out, then the birthday kid would cry, or hit the sibling that blew them out and then that kid would cry, then my mom would re-light the candles, we’d re-sing the last verse of “Happy Birthday” as my Dad held back and covered the mouth of the kid who blew out the candles so the birthday boy or girl could finally have their moment. Not going to lie, I was often the one being held back and having my mouth covered the second time around…

Really had to hustle around the table this time to try and blow out Michael’s candles
Poor Maggie never stood a chance with Michael, Bridget and me hovering around her like vultures. At least I (far left) was trying to be polite about it and kept my hands folded.
Not sure if Michael ended up spitting on Maggie’s head or blowing out the candles on this one.
“Don’t mind me boys, just going to squeeze my way in here and blow out my brother’s candles.”
Jane’s evil grin was a dead give away that she had plans to blow out the candles.
My Dad trying to guard Maggie from Me and Jane.

Although these days our birthday dinners are a little different than they used to be, I think the “Birthday Bonanza” is much better suited and way more efficient for our growing family. So Mom, kudos on keeping the birthday celebrations going and thanks for always making us feel special. And lastly, don’t think I didn’t notice you used actual wrapping paper for your grandkids’ gifts at the last Birthday Bonanza.

Got a pink ball for my birthday because ball is lyfe.
My Dad never holds up his gifts on his birthday because he usually ends up returning them all.
Photo captured at the first ever Kelly family Birthday Bonanza

Five Blessings

The other day I was talking to my Mom about schools doing eLearning during this Quarantine and how hard it is on both teachers and parents. “UGH” My Mom said, “I could not IMAGINE trying to do eLearning with you kids. That would be an absolute NIGHTMARE!” Wow, I thought. A little rude, MOM, telling one of your children that your worst nightmare would be spending all day with them. I THOUGHT YOU SAID WE WERE YOUR FIVE BLESSINGS?! This is not the first time she’s said this since the quarantine started. We get it Mom, your five kids were lunatics.

After I was done taking in this insult, and pulling the knife out of my heart she so casually threw in there, I started to think about how hard it would be for my Mom to be with us ALL DAY. Then I stumbled upon a photo from Easter when I was a baby. Seeing this made me understand why this would be my mom’s nightmare:

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Four of the Five lunatics pictured here. You can see the desperation on my Mom’s face. “Hurry up and take the Picture, MIKE, so I can get away from these nutcases!” Let’s zoom in on my mom a little here:

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That poor, poor woman. This is the face of someone that is in dire need of an alcoholic drink. You can see she is trying to mentally detach from the chaos that this going on around her.

I don’t want to speak for all my siblings, but I’d say most of us weren’t the most studious kids around. After school we really had no interest in doing more school work. I was probably the worst offender on this. I hated sitting down to do school work and would do anything to get out of it. I had better things to do, like play outside or see how many suction cup hooks I could get to stay on my face as you can see from this photo here:

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“Mom! Look at how I can get these suction cups to stay on my face! Don’t I look like Frankenstein?” Was I off to a poetry reading or something next with that turtle neck I was wearing? Who knows.

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Working on my dunking skills here. 2004 Holy Redeemer 8th grade gold ball basketball champion right there. Ball was life back in the day.

I must say, the five of us were pretty creative in some of the things we would do. Our parents were late in the game in getting cable so we really had to entertain ourselves. One of our favorite things to do when we couldn’t play outside was rollerblade in our carpeted living room. Talk about a cardio workout! It was not easy to roll around on that carpet. This was an activity we could only do when my Dad was out of town-he didn’t really appreciate us rollerblading inside. My Mom didn’t really mind, she saw the carpeting as better padding when her clumsy children fell.

The four of us girls also used the living room as our stage to make music videos to our favorite NSYNC, Backstreet Boys or Britney Spears hits. We’d rehearse for a few hours and then give our parents the painstaking task of not only sitting through our show, but filming it for us so we could review it later in order to perfect our dance moves and play our dance in both slow and fast motion. (Jumping off the couch or a chair and doing a spin looked a lot cooler in slow motion). Classic youngest child Jane, having grow up watching MTV with her older siblings, chose, how should I put this, some pretty risque dance moves. She loved to replicate Britney Spears in her early “Baby One More Time” days. Jane even liked to take her show on the road, volunteering to perform at different graduation or family parties. My parents soon after put the kibosh on Jane watching MTV with her siblings.

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Here we see Jane practicing one of her more modest Britney Spears dances as I pretend to step on her. A fight later ensued.

Sadly, after we redid our living room, getting reupholstered furniture and replacing the rollerblading carpet with the “8 Million Dollar Carpet” as my Dad referred to it (and we now still call it, 20 years later), we could no longer roller blade in the living room. I still remember my dad’s lecture he gave us after our living room and dining room were redone. I think he just got the bill from the interior designer so his blood pressure was a little high and he was on edge. “Now listen!” My Dad said, as the five of us sat in the TV room. We could see the beads of sweat on his bald head and the panicked look in his eyes as he thought of all the money this new living room was costing him. “I don’t want ANY of you kids rollerblading in the living room anymore! We practically had to refinance the house after installing that 8 Million Dollar carpet Mom decided to pick out! And I don’t want ANY of you kids laying on the reupholstered couch in there either! The last thing I need is your dirty, greasy, gross bodies staining that fabric! Just stay out of the living room as much as possible!”

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The last known photo of us sitting on the couch before my parents used our college funds to redo the living room.

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The pre-upholstered couch days when we could sit in the living room. You can see the dirt and food on our clothing that we were passing on to that couch.

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Just playing in the living room with our new doll Jane. Jane provided a lot of entertainment for us when she was born. Jane learned from an early age to support her own head. We weren’t going to do  it for her.

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We were all very photogenic.

 

 

If we weren’t rollerblading we were using our parents bed as a trampoline. We had a nice system going where we would line up in my parent’s closet (in order to get a running start) and use the closet doorway to hold onto, lean back and catapult ourselves onto the bed, doing our best flips and somersaults mid-air. Why enroll in gymnastics class when you have a queen sized bed you can just run and jump on? Honestly can’t believe the Jesse White Tumblers didn’t recruit us, we were so good.

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Taking a break from our gymnastics to fake read on my parent’s bed/pose for a Christmas card photo. Check me out-baby genius right there fake reading a story to everyone.

After we tired ourselves out a bit we would all get out our backpacks and sit at the kitchen table to do a little homework. It was a little crammed, and fights would break out if you accidentally got your papers into someone else’s “area” but it was fun all being together, jamming out to some music as we worked away. My mom would be in the kitchen with us, getting dinner prepped and checking on us periodically, helping with various homework problems. As the years went on, and my Mom cared less and less, (both about our homework and dinner) the younger kids relied on the older kids to help them out with homework. This system worked pretty good until we got down to Jane. We were all pretty tired by the time Jane needed help on homework. She racked up quite a few pink slips for “not turning in homework.” Sorry Jane! She turned out ok though.

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A rare photo of me doing homework. Drinking a Hi-C Juice Box to help take the edge off that stressful Math homework.

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What a great looking family.

After homework and dinner we focused our attention on dessert. We NEVER let our parents forget about giving us some sort of dessert every night. If you acted up or didn’t do your chores my parents used “no dessert” as a punishment. Unfortunately for me, being born a “smart-ass” as my parents so affectionately termed me, I spent a lot of nights going without dessert because of my wisecracks and sarcastic remarks. My mouth got me in a lot of trouble. I just couldn’t help myself in getting the last word in. So many times instead of having dessert, I would be laying on the kitchen floor crying as my siblings sat at the table eating ice cream or cookies.

Some nights when the dessert supply was running low my Dad would “raffle off” the last cookie or scoop of ice cream, whatever it may have been. There would be a series of coin tosses between the five of us and the winner would get the dessert. Some times it would be a real nail biter on who would be the last person standing. Many times this caused a lot of fights, usually some tears, but it was very entertaining for my Dad.We were just reminiscing about it the other day and my Dad was laughing hysterically thinking about it:

Dad (laughing so hard tears were in his eyes): “I remember you five little brats would be like vultures all wanting the last Oreo. Certain kids (I’m not going to name any names) would be sore losers if they lost and go off crying after the last coin toss. [Dad continues laughing more] Ahh that was good.”
Me: “Well, maybe you shouldn’t have been so cheap and just bought another pack of Oreos for us instead of starving your five children!”

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Here we are post Oreo raffle. As you can see from the Oreo remnants on my face, I was the winner of this raffle so I was very smitten.

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Looks like I won the Oreo, but lost my shoe on this time. I think I won dessert a few too many times as a toddler. It was my fat stage.

After us fatties got our fill of food, we finally settled down to go to bed. For some reason we found it soothing to fall asleep to various Disney movie soundtracks. Our favorite being “The Lion King.” Because what’s more relaxing than loud African music blasting in your bedroom-AHHHHHH ZENWENNAAAA BADA DEE SEE BABA (I have no idea what the actual African lyrics are to the opening of The Lion King but it sounded like that.) So we made our parents tuck us in and start the Lion King tape before they turned off the lights. Since I hated going to bed (I could never fall asleep) I would always try and delay my parents turning off the lights, asking various dumb questions to stop them. My parents favorite one of my questions that they still laugh about to this day is the time I asked them “What bones are made of.” Classic insomniac, doing anything to stop bedtime. Once we were finally all asleep, our parents finally got a much deserved and much needed break from us.

Looking back on all of this I have so much respect for my parents putting up with us every day. Sure, we were five blessings, but we were also five nutcases. Now I get why my Mom said she can’t imagine what parents are going through during this quarantine, and I can’t either. This quarantine has really made me appreciate not only my parents but all parents dealing with their own “blessings” at home. All I can say to parents out there is hang in there, be strong, and maybe buy an extra pack of Oreos.

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I’m literally climbing a mountain running away and my Mom and Dad (the one taking this picture) couldn’t care less.

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Looks like we were running out of furniture we were allowed to sit on so we had to share.

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I wonder if my Dad thought about leaving us in that forest

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Bridget and me playing with our real life doll Jane again. That was a damn good sucker and I enjoyed it very much.

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Why did I button my top button like a psychopath?

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Hood up, attitude out. I had no time for pictures.

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Back With The Baby Boomers

A couple of months ago I became ill which has required me to temporarily move back home with my parents. For those curious people out there, (because how annoying is it when someone says they were “sick” but gives no details-am I right?!) I developed a blood clot which led to a severe virus and other complications. But don’t worry, I was not NEARLY as sick as my sister Jane was that Christmas Eve back in 2016 when she contracted a mysterious and deathly illness…She was hungover but claimed she had every chronic illness in the books. Thank goodness after a lot of Gatorade and sleep she made a full recovery by Christmas morning-a true Christmas miracle.

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This portrait hangs in our upstairs hallway to commemorate the Christmas Eve Jane nearly died from a hangover.

My recovery has taken a little bit longer than Jane’s, but luckily after I was discharged from the hospital my old roommates/parents so graciously took me in. I’ve been staying here for the past couple of months recovering and hanging out with Mike and Mo, but the weeks have just flown by we’ve been so busy!

One of the things that has captured our attention and has been a hot topic of conversation between the three of us is the bird feeder in our yard. Mo Money loves her birds so my Dad placed a bird feeder on our side yard so it could be seen from our kitchen window. This decision has proven to be better than investing in Hulu, Apple TV or any sort of premium movie channels because we are all just GLUED to watching this bird feeder. The other day a hawk tried to get in on the action and stopped at the bird feeder for a little lunch. Things got intense. I thought I was about to witness the beginning of a Law and Order Bird Edition!

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The hawk about to murder Mo’s birds on the bird feeder. Please note: All Hawks are innocent until proven guilty by the court of law.

One day when I was laying on the couch I heard my Mom let out a disgusted/irritated groan from the kitchen. I knew right away that there must be a squirrel trying to get up on her bird feeder to eat her bird seed. There is NOTHING my mom hates more than squirrels. “UGH! Look at this big fat squirrel trying to get up on my bird feeder! GET AWAY SQUIRREL! SHOO!” She yelled angrily as she banged on the window trying to scare away the squirrel. “Wow, Mom. Why did you have to call the squirrel fat?” I replied. I thought she was going to take out a BB gun and start shooting at the squirrel she was so fired up.

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The Squirrel ran away crying after my mom fat shamed it.

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Check out that bad ass bird with the Mohawk. I bet he’s bringing the alcohol to the party at the bird feeder.

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And on tonight’s menu we have a red Bird Blend that pairs deliciously with worms.

Another thing that has kept me busy over my time recovering was helping the Baby Boomers with all their technology needs. When it comes to needing help with the TV, their phones, or computers, Mike and Mo don’t care if I’m on my death bed or not. Mike Sr’s favorite shows like Ice Road Truckers, Cabin Masters or Highway Through Hell cannot wait. My Mom likes to pretend she can wait for help, but actually wants things fixed immediately. “Sweetie, absolutely no rush on this, I know you have a bad headache, but when you’re feeling better do you mind looking at this notification that keeps popping up on my iPad?” My mom will say as she walks over to sit on the side of the couch where I’m laying and shoves her iPad in my face. “Here let me just show you what keeps happening when I turn it on. But you can fix it later!” The other day the three of us had a heated conversation about the Alexa:

Mom: Kathleen, honey, when you’re done resting can you just look at my iHome? I was trying to play my iPod the other day and the thing keeps beeping! I have no idea why!
Me: Mom, that’s because that thing is about 30 years old. No one uses iPods anymore! It’s not 2005! I specifically set up the Alexa and got you a Spotify account so you wouldn’t use that broken thing anymore! Then you went and put your old iHome right in front of the Alexa!
Dad: I personally HATE that stupid Alexa! Whenever I ask it questions about trains it never know the answer!
Mom: Can I play the Moody Blues and Steely Dan on Spotify?
Me: I mean, I wish you couldn’t, but yes, you can.
Dad (talking to Alexa): Hey Alexa! How much does a CSX Heavy Train weigh? See! She’s a dimwit! She has no idea!
Mom: Well, sweetie, one of these days I’m going to need you to give me a lesson on this Spotify thing.
Me: Well, we’ve had lessons before…
Mom: Next time, I’ll write them down!

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I set up the Alexa and Mo puts her ancient iPod thing right in front of it. Pierces my heart every time I see it.

As the weeks went by and I began to regain my strength, I was able to start making fun of my Dad again for all the weird chores he loves to do around the house, like emptying all the wastebaskets before garbage day, or raking. Mike Sr. LOVES raking. One time things got really tense when my Dad had discovered my Mom had emptied the wastebaskets the day before garbage day. I witnessed the whole ordeal from the couch. My Dad had the garbage bag in hand and headed upstairs to go through all the rooms, but a few seconds later came down looking sad and confused. “Maureen,” He said in a very serious tone. “Did you already empty the wastebaskets?” “OOOOOOOOhhhhhh Snnnnaaapppp!!!!!” I yelled from the couch. I thought a fight was about to break out. “Mom, everyone in this family knows emptying the wastebaskets is Dad’s thing. You NEVER take that joy away from him.” After a long talk all was forgiven. But I could tell my Dad was still sad so I tried to cheer him up. “It’s ok, Dad, cheer up! You know, I think I saw one leaf blow on to the grass earlier, why don’t you go out and rake the entire lawn now, that will keep you busy for a few hours.” “Oh Mo!” My Dad replied. “Isn’t our little smart ass feeling much better that she can make fun of me again!”

Here is the text conversation my Dad and I had last week when he was on a business trip in Iowa:

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ulemozJfVt94-aJSb2ZpeOHfCncdzJqm7jhi11eYzJLZFZV4D8sTC05c8xYydS-PNGv-GKnL_8lJhmwSgU4LTGodyjmJPqIE19C9TGwJwN3NHqeyPhlHrWaCD8H401t-9C5-QK9pK7cn7xUUkxVEMhYg4yy5UDPpgGopIW7_ef0alllZ6hyIwl1Alp5E31mmipn_1tMSCoXE855wx

Mike Sr., happy as can be after finding some leaves to rake in the street.

My Mom and Dad have been great caretakers, cooks and Uber drivers since I’ve been sick. I think my Dad has kept all the local bakeries in business trying to make me eat the highest calorie baked goods he can find:

Dad: Kathleen! You have not eaten that cookie I got you! I heard it yelling to you from the counter, (Said in his cookie voice) “Kathleen! You need to eat me! Eat me now!”
Me: Uggghh Dadddddddd!! It’s too much to eat! I can’t keep up with all the food you’re shoving in my face! I’m not hungry!
Dad: Oh, you little weakling! You need to bulk up in order to get over this illness! There’s Portillo’s Chocolate Cake in there for you too and you BETTER eat it! That will make you “Strong like Bull.”

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I do love my Dunkin’ Coffee

My mom has been a great Uber Driver. I feel like I’m in a luxurious UberBlack, rolling up to work getting dropped off in Mo Money’s Honda Mini Van with 16 cup holders, automatic sliding doors and plenty of leg room. Nothing cooler than being 28 and having your Mom drop you off at the school where you work, stepping out of the mini van with your backpack on, looking like a 12 year old, ready to be a business woman. I’d rate Mom’s Uber at 5 stars but honestly, she’s got a little road rage, always saying things like, “Oh yea, nice blinker, PAL!” (Emphasis on the pal but I have a feeling they aren’t really friends) or saying a sarcastic “Yea, you’re welcome, BUDDY!” after she lets someone in and they don’t give “the wave.” So I’m going to have to give her 4 stars.

As far as caretakers, they’ve been great. My only complaint would be that they don’t have any ice packs, so I’ve had to use bags of frozen vegetables for my bad headaches. The birds on the feeder think I look ridiculous, but it’s nice that those frozen vegetables that have been in our freezer since 1999 are finally getting some use.

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The headaches caused sensitivity to light and sound, but I was ready to be invited to a dinner party at a moment’s notice. Everyone loves a little side veggie with dinner.

I’m very fortunate to have such great parents to take me back in and help me get back to good health. I have so much to thank them for-not only have they constantly supported me and cared for me, but they’ve given me four amazing siblings who have always looked out for me since the day I was born. So thank you, Mike and Mo-for the entertainment, care, the Uber rides, coffees, and this awesome family. The road to recovery is much easier with these great people below…and your Honda Mini Van with 16 cup holders.

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Thanks to everyone here EXCEPT OWL whoo literally did nothing.

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This is the day back in the Fall when I hosted my family for brunch and realized I had no idea how to mince garlic.

 

 

 

 

School Days

Throughout this Fall, when scrolling through Instagram, I’ve seen a lot of people post “First Day of School Photos” of their kids. The kids are usually standing on the porch, looking all happy, neat and tidy in their school outfits, holding a cutsie little sign that says “Jack’s first day of Kindergarten” or something like that. While most people’s first thought when seeing photos like this is probably “Aww how cute!” But mine is always, “How the HECK do these parents have time in the morning before school to take these perfect photos of their kids?!” The “first day of school” photos we took on the porch when I was a kid looked nothing like the ones I have been seeing on Instagram. My family’s school photos back in the day seemed to be a little different, here are a few examples:

Exhibit A. My sister Bridget’s “first day of school photo” that apparently I decided to photo bomb. Clearly I was NOT happy that I was too young to go to school and therefore didn’t get my photo taken:

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Don’t be fooled by the hearts on my pink sweater, and the blankie I’m holding, I was ready to fight. Nobody puts baby in a corner, I wanted my own photo too.

Let’s zoom in a little on this one, shall we?

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You can see the look of betrayal on my face. How DARE my mom take a photo of my siblings and not me.

Exhibit B: My sister Maggie’s school photo:

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My Mom could have used a lesson in “staging” when it came to photography because all of these pictures have some homeless little girl in the background. Oh wait that’s me.

Exhibit C. I finally got my way and got to be in one:

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I was so happy my face hurt from smiling. Special thanks to my mom for giving me and Bridget those awful bangs, really helped make this photo even more awkward.

Growing up, we didn’t really have too much time to spare to set up a cute photo because, except for my dad, we weren’t really “morning people.” We all had an extremely difficult time getting out of bed before 7 in the morning. My mom I think had the most trouble though, with my youngest sibling, Jane, being a very close second. My Dad traveled for work during the week so my mom was usually a one woman show when it came to getting the five of us up and out the door for school every morning. We never had to set our own alarms because my mom would come in and gently wake us up. Our wonderful mom would slowly open our doors, walk over to our beds and place her hand on our backs and softly say “time to get up honey.” Sounds like a really nice way to wake up, right? And it was… BUT... that was only if you got up on the first wake up call. If you decided to get a few more minutes of shut-eye after being woken up, our sweet little Mom could do a complete 180 and somehow turn herself into a fire-breathing dragon. If one of us was still in bed while the others were downstairs eating breakfast she would stand at the bottom of the stairs and yell your name until you got up. I don’t know how she managed to change the pitch in her voice so it felt like she was sending nails into your ears when she called out your name the second time, but somehow she found a way. She only had to yell the sleepy kid’s name once or twice until they responded, yelling back down, “OH MY GOD I AM UP! I’M UP! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JUST STOP YELLING MY NAME I’LL BE DOWNSTAIRS IN A MINUTE!!!!” I still have permanent ear damage from the days I decided to snooze a little later.

Every once in a while my Dad would be in town during the week and let my mom sleep, so he would wake us up in the morning. There was never a problem with falling back asleep when my Dad woke us up due to adrenaline pumping through your veins after the near heart attack he inflicted on us when he swung open the door, stomped in, flung open the shades and said “GET UP!”

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Want to be sure your child gets kidnapped? Then you should definitely send her to preschool with her name on her shirt. Kidnappers love an easy target.

Once everyone was up we’d all be in the kitchen, eating breakfast and packing our lunches. The best breakfast days at our house were Wednesdays and Thursdays. Wednesday was “Donut Day” when we each got a delicious prepackaged, never fresh Entenmann’s Donut. Before you could dig in to your donut though my mom made us eat her famous homemade fruit salad (recipe: crack open a can of Madarin oranges, slice up a banana, divide evenly onto 5 paper plates and you are all set!) You couldn’t touch your donut until all your fruit had been eaten. Since their were 8 donuts in a package and five kids, on Thursday’s we would each get half a donut. But we’d still have to eat the whole fruit salad which, looking back, doesn’t seem fair. My Mom was a real health nut back then I guess. The other days of the week it was either cereal or toast. Sometimes my Dad would surprise us and get Reese’s Puffs cereal. So many fights broke out over Reese’s Puffs. I remember one Reese’s Puffs fight in the morning ended with my brother throwing the empty box across the kitchen. My parents were not happy about that fight and we all got in trouble. But in our defense, if they didn’t starve us by rationing one box of cereal, or giving us donut crumbs-I mean donut halves, maybe we wouldn’t be so hangry in the mornings.

After breakfast it was off to frantically search for the pieces of our school uniform and homework papers we had left scattered throughout the house the night before. Then it was back upstairs to brush our teeth. Jane, in classic youngest child fashion, would always be the slowest getting ready and she would usually be crying because she wanted to go back to bed. Jane preferred to chill out a little and watch “The Big Comfy Couch” before getting ready to go anywhere. Through Jane’s preschool and kindergarten years, the four of us had to help get her ready in the mornings. Getting Jane dressed and ready for school was much like getting a sand bag ready for school because she literally made no effort to help or do anything at all. She actually made it harder to get her dressed because she would never take her thumb out of her mouth.

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Me and Jane chilling on the couch. Even as an infant Jane liked to coast for a while before starting her day.

Every morning for her entire year of preschool she would be brushing her teeth at the sink while one of us did her hair and the other got her backpack together. After all those things were done we did manage to squeeze in a few school photos through the years.

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I think since I was missing my two front teeth and couldn’t really eat, Mo Money was able to use the time she might have spent feeding me breakfast to take this photo.

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Do I look uncomfortable (sitting on the right) because I’m wearing a back brace or because I’m practically sitting in a Home Depot Garden center with all those flowers around me, triggering my seasonal allergies? Who knows.

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My Mom is so efficient she was able to simultaneously get my brother to feed the dog and take a photo at the same time!

Things were just as hectic after school as they were in the mornings. The afternoons were filled with sports practices and games, orthodontist appointments, homework and piano practice. I absolutely HATED piano practice. Or I guess I should call it “keyboard practice” because we did not have the money or space for a real piano, so we had our lessons on a keyboard. (Our piano teacher shamed us ever week for it) On piano practice day I’d be laying on the living room floor about ten minutes before our piano teacher was due to arrive, begging my sister to do my piano homework that I had not done yet, even though I was given a whole week to do it. But, like I’ve always said, if you wait until the last minute, it only takes a minute! (I had better things to do with my time, like play catch with Christmas candles in the living room, I had no time for piano homework) “Please Bridget!” I’d beg while laying on the floor, dreading my piano lesson. “I’ll do your dinner chore all week if you just do my piano workbook for me!” Spoiler alert: I cannot play piano or keyboard at all now, but I did learn great negotiating skills.

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Here’s me fake practicing piano so there could be photographic evidence for my mom that I did in fact, practice from time to time.

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Don’t be fooled by those medals, they gave them to everyone. Not only were we bad at soccer, we were bad at taking soccer photos.

So, we may not have Instagram worthy “first day of school photos” (they definitely would not get too many double taps if they were posted on the ‘gram) but they are good for a laugh. I’m glad my mom decided to capture a more “authentic” school photo of her nutty kids, not spending too much time trying to get the “perfect Instagram photo.”

So thank you Mom, for getting those photos, getting us off to school every morning, and most importantly, helping Bridget and me realize at an early age, that we can’t pull off bangs.

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Gotta love those awkward high school years.

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Even though I look like I belong in the 5th grade with my sister Jane on the right, I was actually in high school when this photo was taken.

Summer 2019

September 23rd marked the first official day of Fall. I seriously find that hard to believe because I feel like summer just started. Summer 2019 was a very eventful one for me, which is probably why it seemed to fly by. While it was a busy one filled with so many fun times, I was able to narrow it down to my top five highlights of the summer. So here, in no particular order, are my top five highlights of 2019:

1. We Solved the Case of the Missing Sock.

In early June, my Mom sent out a rather disturbing text to the girls in our family. Please see below:

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Yes, she had discovered a lone sock at our lake house in Michigan, and was trying to find its owner. I mean, Monday’s are stressful enough, so I could have gone without this very upsetting sock Amber Alert. Plus how sexist of you, MOM only sending it to the girls in our family just because it had a little pink on it! Boys can wear pink too, it’s 2019! Classic Baby Boomer. I tried to remain calm though, and sent my reply:
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As the replies kept coming in, no one claimed ownership. I felt bad for the orphan sock, I mean it looked like a great quality sock. It was no gold-toe sock, but it had nice coloring, and it looked to have a cushioned sole for ultra comfort and arched elastic for extra support. While I felt bad that the sock was all alone, I was able to go about my day and soon forgot about the sock all together. This was not the case for my mom.

A couple of weeks later I stopped at my parents house after work to find the sock (all washed and cleaned, thank goodness) front and center on the kitchen counter.

“Mom!” I said, half laughing. “You brought the sock home from Michigan?!”
“Yes, I did,” She replied, her eyes fixed on the sock in a perplexed gaze, “I just can’t seem to figure out who’s sock it is! It is just such a mystery!”

I honestly did not think it was that big of a mystery, and I really didn’t care about finding the owner of the sock because socks go missing all the time. But my mom was so determined I tried to help solve the case and come up with suspects of who it could be.

“Maybe it’s Aunt Maribeth’s sock?” I suggested “Hasn’t she been up at the lake with you a few times?” My Mom scoffed, as if I had just made the dumbest suggestion she had ever heard in her life. “No, no no.” She confidently said. “That is DEFINITELY NOT an Aunt Maribeth sock. It must be someone else’s.” Wow, did I feel foolish. My Aunt Maribeth is my Mom’s identical twin sister so how dare I even suggest this. Surely my Mother would know her identical twin sister’s socks, they have the same DNA after all. How stupid of me to even think it might be her sock!

Weeks went by and soon it was the fourth of July. While at a family party, the topic of the missing sock came up (Naturally, because who doesn’t talk about socks at parties?) and who ended up claiming the missing sock?! Aunt Maribeth! My Mom was shocked but the case was finally closed. I am still waiting for my apology from my Mom though…

But just as we thought our sock nightmare was over, we experienced a PLOT TWIST and ANOTHER sock mystery popped up in August! This time we had the opposite problem though-too many people were claiming ownership of the socks!IMG_6752

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I needed an accurate description of the socks to help me properly solve the case.

Currently, the case of the men’s socks remains open and under investigation. If anyone has any information, please contact me immediately

2. The Summer Spider Came Back

Every summer for the past couple of years we have a big huge spider that comes and makes a web on my parents’ front porch, right in front of the door, every single summer night. It’s pretty annoying because I always forget about it, walk into it, freak out, and then feel itchy for the rest of the day. No matter how many times we knock down his web, the spider rebuilds one the next night. He started out as an unwelcome guest but then we all started to kind of admire him for his persistence, resiliency and strong work ethic. He quickly became the hot gossip of the summer with my family. Below is an actual conversation we had at dinner one night:

Dad: I will say this, he’s a very hardworking spider. He’s out there every night for hours rebuilding his web. I give him a lot of credit.
Me: I agree. And he builds really good, quality webs. I’ve walked into a lot of spider webs through the years but his is definitely the thickest I’ve ever walked into. I almost feel like I’m walking into one of those fake spider webs people use as Halloween decorations his webs are so sturdy!
Bridget: Are you guys serious? Stop giving him credit! He may be hardworking but he is dumb! If he was smart he would stop building his web in front of the door and build it somewhere were it wouldn’t get knocked down every day. He’s wasting his time!

Love him or hate him, it wouldn’t feel like sweet summertime without him.

3. I Tried New Things

I’ve really gotten in touch with my adventurous side since my travels to Italy in the Summer of 2018 (I’m so cultured now) so I decided to try two new things this summer: Coconut water and Natty Light Pink Lemonade. One drink I loved and enjoyed all summer long, the other I immediately spit out and wanted to burn the inside of my mouth after tasting. Can you guess which was which? I’ll just tell you-I regretted the coconut water. It was disgusting. I don’t care how many health benefits it has or how hydrating it is, I will never make the mistake of purchasing coconut water ever again. I bought one 16 ounce container of coconut water in May and after I took that first sip I placed it back in the fridge where it sat the rest of the summer. I kept telling my roommates I was going to finish it, that I was just “drinking it slowly” but I think they secretly knew I had no plans to drink it, and it became a running joke in our apartment.

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I finally gave up and threw it out on Labor Day.

Natty Pink lemonade on the other hand, that was like sweet, sweet nectar. Having never tried it before, I took a huge risk purchasing an entire 30 pack of it at the liquor store, but it really worked out in my favor. Not only did I love the taste, I was basically their unofficial spokesperson, telling everyone about it and passing out cans at parties as if I was the Oprah Winfrey of Natty Light.

[Walks into backyard barbecue with 30 case in hand]: “You get a Natty Pink Lemonade! And you get a Natty Pink Lemonade! Everybody gets a Natty Pink Lemonadddddddde!!”

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It was the gift that kept on giving

4. I Enjoyed the Great Outdoors

I spent a lot of time outside this summer, whether it was at the lake or drinking on my deck or people’s patios. I even worked out a little outside this summer including going on a few runs through the neighborhood on nice afternoons. That last outdoor activity wasn’t very enjoyable though so I probably won’t do that next summer. So many people are outside during the summer, do you think I want people to see me while I’m huffing and puffing and sweating on a run? Do you know how many times I had to reroute my run just to avoid passing by a group of grade school boys coming back from getting slurpees at 7-11 or playing at the park or where ever they were coming from? And thank goodness I ran wearing headphones so I could pretend to NOT hear the younger kids screaming at me to purchase lemonade. IMG_6821

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Sorry Lemonade stand owners, I’m a Millennial, I don’t carry cash. Unless you accept Venmo or Chase Quick Pay I cannot purchase your warm, debris-filled glass of lemonade.

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This outdoor workout was especially tough because the lounge chairs did not have cup-holders so I had to physically hold my vodka lemonade the entire time I was sitting by the pool!

5. I Saved a Turtle’s Life

Yes, it is true that not all heroes wear capes because I definitely wasn’t wearing a cape when I saved the life of a turtle. I was just minding my own business, hanging out at the lake when I saw turtle headed straight towards a busy road. I would say I quickly sprang into action but I didn’t. Knowing turtles are notoriously slow, I was able to leisurely get up off my chair, go to the shed to grab a glove (Wasn’t sure if he was a snapper so wanted to be safe. Plus, I didn’t want to actually touch the turtle, who knows what kind of diseases those things carry and I hadn’t gotten my annual flu shot at this point), have my mom take my photo with the turtle, and save his life before he made it to the road.

I was very proud and so I immediately texted my family about my super hero moment:

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Borrowed Mike Sr’s heavy duty gloves.

This was a very emotional event for our entire family, as my sister Jane had “accidentally” killed a turtle driving up to the lake the year before. We were all still pretty traumatized from that, so it was nice to have some joyous turtle news for once.

I am still very suspicious as to if it was a real accident or not though. It used to be that I could never imagine a family member of mine could be a cold blooded killer. But that all changed this summer when I witnessed my own mother run over and kill a toad. The poor thing never stood a chance under Mo’s 2012 eight passenger grey Honda Mini Van with stow n’ go seating and 16 cup holders. Unfortunately I was in the passenger seat when the horrific accident happened. I couldn’t believe what I saw. When I confronted my mother about it, she tried to play it off like it was nothing:

Me: Mom! Oh no! I think you just ran over and killed a frog!
Mom: Oh no, no, I didn’t run over a frog! Do you have your contacts in? That was a toad.
Me: Well excuse me, let me re-phrase: Mom! I think you just ran over and killed a toad! Plus, does it matter if it was a frog or a toad?
Mom: Well, a toad is like the frog’s ugly step sister. It’s fine. I would feel a little bad if it was a frog, but it was just a toad.

That terrible accident will forever be etched in my mind. It’s taken me a while to get over it. I feel only my sister Bridget can relate to what I am going through, as she was a passenger in the car when our sister Jane ran over and killed the turtle. As Bridget recalls, “I’ll never forget the sound of the turtle’s shell getting smashed under Jane’s tire. It sounded like we had just run over a picnic table.”

RIP Turtle and Frog/Toad. We will never forget you.

So there it is, my summer of 2019. It was definitely a memorable one, filled with lots of laughs and fun. Looking forward to what the Fall has in store for me!

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Duke enjoying the dog days of summer

Living The Lake Life

IMG_1629.jpgIn July, we had our annual “Family week” in Sister Lakes, Michigan. Each year the seven of us would spend an entire week together at my Grandparents’ cottage on Dewey Lake. As we got older, it grew harder to be able to find a week that worked with everyone’s schedules- jobs, sports, and friends’ weddings and other events got in the way throughout the years, but we always found at least a few days during our Family Week (Or in some years only a few hours) for everyone’s schedules to align and be together. While a lot has changed through the years, especially now that my parents have their own cottage across the lake from my grandparents’ cottage, much of what makes our family week so much fun, remains the same.

The day we would leave for our big week at Dewey was always a very hectic and chaotic one. Our family isn’t really organized or big “plan ahead” people so we left much of our vacation prep to the last minute. If we planned to leave the house at noon, we were lucky if we got on the road by 3:30 or so.

It always seemed my Mom would decide she needed to have her life long to-do list done before we left, as if she was leaving for a six year journey through Antarctica and not a seven day vacation a two hour drive from home. She was always the last to pack her suitcase as well.

Mom: Ok kids, we’ll leave very soon, I just need to throw a few things in my suitcase and we will hit the road. Oh, and let me just pay a few bills, my Kohl’s and JC Penny Charge Cards, clean and dust the entire first floor, finally put all your baby photos in scrapbooks, get the house tuck-pointed, meet with the financial planner to discuss Dad and my retirement plans, and sew up the the clothes that have been sitting on my sewing box for the past five years, and then we can go. Oh and can one of you kids’ water my flowers? Thanks!

As a child, I never understood why it took her so long to get ready. I’d grab my Simba backpack, throw in my Pocahontas swim suit, Stretch Armstrong Doll, some crayons and maybe a pair of sandals and I’d be set. It wasn’t until I switched up my packing technique and travel gear last year that I realized it may take some time to get five kids ready for a week-long vacation.

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Just waiting on the porch with my Simba backpack on, ready to head up to Dewey Lake.

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The Simba backpack was a little camera shy.

No matter how late we left, a McDonald’s stop was always made a top priority because we were fattys and obsessed with McDonald’s. Plus, we couldn’t let our Mom suffer a fry attack while on the road. That would be dangerous for all of us. McDonald’s growing up was a huge treat. If any of us five kids ever found out the others got McDonald’s without us we became enraged. “YOU OWE ME NOW, MOM! YOU OWE ME!” We’d say if we were out at a birthday party or friend’s house and got home to find evidence of a McDonald’s meal. Yes, we kept score, we were that petty. As a family we were devastated when McDonald’s discontinued their Super Size Fry option. It really messed up our order. We had our fry to child ratio down to a science. But like any family, we stuck together, adjusted our order (after A LOT of trial and error) and got through it.

I still distinctly remember one trip to McDonald’s on our way up to Michigan. My Dad had to stay home to work for a few days so it was just my mom and us five kids in the car. As the golden arches came into view, my mom asked everyone what they wanted to eat. From her car seat my tiny, two year old sister, Jane, took her thumb out of her mouth and said she wanted two cheeseburgers. We all tried to dissuade her and convince her she probably couldn’t even finish one cheeseburger but she was adamant that she wanted two cheeseburgers. With fries. After we were done fat shaming her, my mom gave in and ordered her two burgers and Jane scarfed them both down very quickly. As we drove off we were still in disbelief and talking about how much Jane ate, while Jane just sat listening in her car seat, looking very content with her thumb back in her mouth. “Wait…” My older sister Maggie said. “…Did anyone feed Jane breakfast this morning?” It was dead silent as we all looked around at each other. Then all at once we burst out laughing at the fact that we forgot to feed Jane. But no one laughed harder than my Mom. “Whoops, sorry there Janie!” My mom managed to get out through her laughter. “Don’t worry sweetie, I promise we’ll feed you dinner.” We still laugh about it to this day. Jane turned out fine.

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Smiling because our bellies are nice and full with the deliciousness of McDonald’s.

Sometimes, I miss the days when we all drove up together, all packed in one car. It was so much more simple. As we got into high school and college and got busy with other things, it became like trying to solve a complex algebra equation figuring out who was driving up what car, when, and with who during our vacation week. It was always the worst being the last one up to Michigan during our family week because then you became the “Errand Betch,” running around gathering things people had conveniently forgotten and requested you bring up, or making last minute trips the store for things they had run out of so far during the week. Sadly, this year, I was the last family member to join everyone on Family Week so I was the Errand Betch and IT WAS HORRIBLE. I wouldn’t wish being my family’s Errand Betch on my own worst enemy. My family members are some needy people, let me tell you.

Here is evidence of my nightmare in our family group text:

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It’s like you give people an inch and they take a mile am I right? Classic Millennial generation.

My Mom was the worst offender though. She tried to soften her demands with her use of emoji’s but I wasn’t going to be fooled.

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Beaten and worn, I prevailed and finally did make it to the Lake. Also wasn’t aware Michigan didn’t sell carrots or pretzels, very interesting, MOM!

While it’s always a crazy rush to get to Dewey Lake, once we’re there we go right into vacation mode. Year after year, we always have a great time and lots of laughs together. Sure, we still have the occasional fights, but not like we used to when we were younger. I actually credit having the internet and technology up at the cottage now with helping to eliminate some of our fighting. I remember in the pre-internet years we got in two really huge family fights. One was about the lyrics to the song “American Pie” and the other was about what color the shutters on our house were. Half of us said they were green and the other half insisted they were tan colored. We were a family divided for days until the end of our vacation when we pulled into our driveway to finally have closure and discover that our shutters were not green or tan, but actually white to everyone’s disbelief. A simple Google search now a days could have solved both those fights in a matter of seconds. IMG_1638

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There was no room in the car to pack hairbrushes.

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We had to get my Dad’s favorite family member-the broom (on the far right), in this family photo as well.

Now we have a new generation enjoying the lake with five grandkids in the mix. It’s cool to see them play together and have fun at Dewey Lake like me and my four siblings did when we were little. And it’s such a relief that they also get a thrill out of a seeing a turtle in the lake like we did and STILL DO. My family could honestly see 30 turtles in a day and each time the thrill does not fade. You would think the turtle was doing a juggling act or providing some sort of entertainment for us instead of just popping it’s head out of the water. When a turtle makes an appearance conversation stops and everyone rushes to get a glimpse of the astonishing turtle:

“Hey can you pass the sunscre-OH MY GOSH LOOK! EVERYONE STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING THERE IS A TURTLE IN THE LAKE! WHAT A MAJESTIC CREATURE! I CANNOT BELIEVE WHAT I AM WITNESSING RIGHT NOW THIS IS AMAZING! WHAT ARE THE CHANCES OF SEEING A TURTLE IN ITS NATURAL HABITAT OF A FRESH WATER LAKE! I AM IN SHOCK!”

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Despite the looks on their faces WE WERE ALL HAVING FUN DAMN IT!

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Connor was nice enough to wait until after the camera flash before pulling Ava’s hair and making her cry.

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They claimed they had no money to throw in for gas for the boat so we put them to work instead. We love the nieces and nephews but they are so stingy when it comes to money.

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Baby Ciara fake sleeping on the boat to get out of doing chores. Lazy.

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Baby Michael gets really chatty after a few too many bottles of juice.

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Aunt Bridget wouldn’t share her Mini Mouse umbrella with them.

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Baby Connor raising awareness for the endangered bee species with his outfit.

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When at Dewey Lake we do what we want-calories don’t count and if you want to wear Christmas PJs in July go for it.

While our family week is always chaotic and crowded and no one ever seems to get enough sleep, I think that’s part of the reason we have so much fun. Every year, it’s such a blast just being together, laughing, hanging out and enjoying the lake life! We already can’t wait for next year!

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Best part of being up at the lake: Jane and I get to be BUNK BED BUDDIES AGAIN YEAHHHH! reliving our glory days.

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As you can see, after eating those two cheeseburgers, Jane’s shirt no longer fit.

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Our Dog clearly just saw a turtle. He was obviously still in shock.

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Cheersing to the Aunt life, to being able to play with the kids when you want, and then give them back to their parents so you can go drink.

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I told Maggie that since there are no seat belts on jet skis I had no choice but to hug her the entire ride.

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I like to make sisters uncomfortable until they are comfortable.

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My Dad was trying to take a picture of his beloved shed and we got in the way.

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Dewey=Donuts all day every day thanks to Mike Sr.