Off to Work I Go

After months of being unemployed, I am happy to finally announce that I now have a job! My family is thrilled that I will finally be doing something during the day and that they can tell people that their daughter/sister is finally doing something with her life. But I don’t think anyone is more thrilled than my dog Duke. I could tell that he was really getting annoyed with me messing up his sleep schedule and forcing him to take part in humiliating Snap Chats such as these:

This is what happens when you don't get your dog baptized in the Catholic Church

This is what happens when you don’t get your dog baptized in the Catholic Church.

When you're drinking on the company dime things can get a little out of hand. Neither of us remember taking this picture

When you’re drinking on the company dime things can get a little out of hand. The after party in the kitchen was insane. Neither of us even remember taking this picture.

Duke is a huge fan of YouTube.

Duke is a huge fan of YouTube.

Duke isn’t too keen on using props for our Snap Chats but I usually give him a Pup-Peroni afterwards so he likes that part. I think we have been getting on each other’s last nerve though. We have been fighting a lot more lately and could never seem to agree on a show to watch. I always wanted to watch House Hunters while he would want to watch some stupid show like The Dog Whisperer or Animal Cops:Houston. I usually got my way since I have thumbs and could control the remote. I keep telling him he is going to miss me when I’m gone at work but when I say that he usually just rolls his eyes and gives me the swear paw.

Now that I will no longer be living below the poverty line I have compiled a list of things I intend to splurge on once I get my first paycheck:

1. Socks-This awful winter has done a number on my socks, they’re more holy than the pope!

2. Headbands- I’ve had my eye on a $7 pack of headbands for a while. With frizzy fly-away hairs like mine wearing a headband is a must.

3. A new jigsaw puzzle-Gotta exercise that mind now that I’m out of college!

This is just a tentative list, I’m sure I will think of more stuff once I start bringing home that bacon. I probably should also pay the debts I owe my parents and siblings for various birthday, Christmas, and anniversary gifts. I figure they know where I live so they can just bill me. Hopefully they don’t charge interest.

Although I haven’t had a job for quite some time, I feel I have taken on many different jobs in these past few months. I have become a housekeeper, a cook, a baker, (Can’t say that I can call myself a candlestick maker just yet) and most importantly a taxi driver. Anytime anyone in my family needed a ride somewhere it was always “Oh Kathleen’s not doing anything she can give me a ride.” I thought about getting a sign to go on top of the car that says “Kathleen’s Taxi Service” but those things cost money. I can’t say I blame them though, I do have an impeccable driving record and I can switch lanes like you wouldn’t believe. What’s my ride of choice? A 2012 Honda Odyssey mini-van. I don’t mean to brag but it has 16 cup holders. And plenty of cargo room with its fold down back seat. You should hear her purr when she’s accelerating on the highway.

I would be lying if I said some days weren’t tough. There were days that I would turn on the TV and be just one minute late catching the beginning of Law and Order SVU, thus, having no idea what was going for the rest of the 59 minutes of the show. So upsetting. Other days I would text a bunch of people and get no response back. Naturally I would think that my phone was messed up because I am SO popular it couldn’t be that people were icing my texts so I would turn it off and then turn it back on only to realize the lack of response had nothing to do with my phone. Some days Inside Edition wouldn’t be on due to some breaking news so I would lose all connections to the outside world, not knowing all the celebrity gossip of the day. Those days were the hardest, but I did my best to overcome these obstacles that were thrown in my way.

Working is going to be quite the adjustment. No more sleeping in and wearing sweatpants all day but I could not be happier to FINALLY be employed!

Happy Valentine’s Day!

After making our failed attempt at “Fit for 14” public knowledge, and basically admitting that I have been a lazy fat ass for the past couple of months, I have begun to go to the gym a little bit more. I credit this in part to my last blog post, but also in part to the fact that my roommates (A.K.A. my Mom and sisters) and I added TLC’s hit program My 600lb Life to our list of weekly shows. Each Tuesday we gather in the TV room with our ice cream, Dove bars, or Klondike Bars, and get inspired by the show. Do I go to the gym every day? No that’s just unhealthy. Plus if I went every day that would mean I would have to wash my hair everyday and everyone knows you aren’t supposed to shampoo every day because it strips the natural oils from your hair making it dry and frizzy. But today I went to the gym and as I was running on the treadmill at an incredibly fast rate of speed (…Ok I was jogging….fine I was walking…Ok you got me, I just happened to be standing on the treadmill) a commercial came on about Valentine’s Day. Woof. This company was advertising a four-foot giant fuzzy teddy bear, saying it was the perfect gift for that “special woman” in your life. I thought to myself “are you kidding me?!” If I had a boyfriend and he gave me that I would break up with him. What the hell am I supposed to do with an obnoxiously large teddy bear? Sleep with it in my arms in my twin bed? There is no room! I like to sleep on an angle!  And where am I supposed to store that thing after Valentine’s day is over? There are a lot of people living in this house so we have no room for a big fat teddy bear. And I hate clutter so chances are I’m just going to get rid of the thing. One of these days when I get a boyfriend (Fingers crossed!) I am going to ensure that he knows the key to my heart is through my stomach. Get me a nice steak dinner, some chocolates, an Edible Arrangement (I will only accept the ones with the chocolate covered strawberries or marshmallows) or ice cream. Give me something I can actually use not some inanimate object.

I may not have a boyfriend, but I am not one of those people who are bitter about Valentine’s Day. I enjoy the day just as much as couples do. I just simply like to remind people who are celebrating the day of love about the historical events that occurred on February 14th. Like the St. Valentine’s Day massacre that took place in Chicago in 1929 or how St. Valentine was actually beheaded on February 14th, just to name a few. What can I say, I’m a History buff. I mean really it should be a day of mourning and remembrance, just saying, but no I guess no one asked me.

Here is the shirt I plan to buy myself when I get a boyfriend

Here is the shirt I plan to buy myself when I get a boyfriend

Love is in the air at the Kelly house I guess with my brother and sister both engaged. Thank God I own the movies Father of the Bride and My Big Fat Greek Wedding to help mentally prepare myself. I keep telling my parents to enjoy all the wedding buzz while they can because I have a feeling we are going to go through a bit of a wedding dry spell after this. In all honesty, I just don’t have time for a boyfriend right now with my schedule the way it is. I get up, empty the dishwasher, watch Inside Edition while eating either salsa and chips or Triscuits and Kraft Singles, and there goes my day! Then I eat dinner and Full House is on Nick at Night from 7-10, followed by Friends so my nights are packed as well. Having a boyfriend would make introducing myself to people a little easier though. Instead of saying “Hi my name is Kathleen, I am unemployed and have no boyfriend. Yes I do realize I look about 14 but I am actually 22” which is what I usually have to say, if I had a boyfriend I could say something along the lines of, oh I don’t know, “Hi my name is Kathleen, I have no job but I do have a boyfriend and to quote the Beatles love is all you need so I am over the moon” But that’s just an example.

One of these days I plan to celebrate Valentine’s Day with my significant other. Until then I will keep working on “Fit for 14” and keep my eye out for Mr. Right. This year, since it falls on a Friday I am going to celebrate with some good friends and a bottle (maybe two) of the finest wine money can buy-Barefoot Mascato and I will be happy.