Living My Best Quarantine Life

The savages in quarantine

A few months ago, my sister Jane and I went on one of our usual quarantine walks. But on this particular walk, for whatever reason, we decided to switch things up a bit and go through the cemetery. Maybe it was because we were getting bored of our normal route, or maybe it was because growing up, instead of watching “Sesame Street,” my Mom had shows like “Dateline” and “Cold Case Files” playing for us so we felt quite comfortable with death. Whatever the reason, we were really enjoying walking through the cemetery on that bright sunny morning, commenting on all the headstones, picking out our favorites, and discussing if we would go with granite or quartz, an in-ground or above-ground headstone when our time came, when I noticed someone had left a Dunkin Donuts’ coffee at their loved one’s grave. Being a Dunkin coffee lover myself, I thought this was very nice, and I asked Jane if she would do that for me when I kicked the bucket. Well, let me tell you, a person’s true colors REALLY shine when you ask them to pick you up a coffee postmortem because here is the conversation that followed:

Me: Wow, that’s really sweet that person left a Dunkin coffee on the headstone for their loved one! Jane, would you do that for me when I die?
Jane: Awww that was so nice! Hmmm well, I mean you do love your Dunkin Coffee. That’s probably your favorite food right?
Me: I mean yea, I’d say it’s the base of my food pyramid, yes.
Jane: Ok, well would I have to actually pay to have coffee put in a Dunkin cup or could I just go to Dunkin and ask for the cup and put that on your grave?
Me: Ok. Wow, first off, you cheap ass! A Dunkin Coffee is like two dollars just suck it up and get me the coffee for crying out loud! I’m dead! All you have to do is pay two dollars! You got the way better end of this deal YET AGAIN CLASSIC HEALTHY JANE LIVING LONGER THAN ME!! Second, HOW IS AN EMPTY CUP GOING TO STAY AT MY GRAVE IT WILL BLOW AWAY!!
Jane: I would put rocks or water in the cup to hold it down.
Me: Ok, you know what that might work better because now that I think about it, since I get my coffee with cream and sugar if you leave that by my grave that may attract animals and I don’t want them stomping on all the flowers Mom will be planting at my grave.
Jane: Ok then so what will you bring to my grave when I die?
Me: Well obviously you LOVE hummus and chips so I’ll bring you the COSTCO sized hummus. But I will need to know what type of chips you want. Should I bring pretzel chips or pita chips for you?
Jane: Hmm, yikes, tough choice. I kind of like to switch it up. Can you alternate and maybe bring me hummus and pita chips one week and then hummus and pretzel chips the next week?
Me: UMMMM excuse me?! I’m sorry, do you think I am going to turn into your own personal Grub Hub delivery service once you die?! And do you know how pricey pita chips and pretzel chips can be?!! You won’t even buy me a two dollar coffee and you want me to buy you pita chips AND pretzel chips weekly like I am some sort of grocery delivery service?! You’re lucky I’m even bringing you chips!! I could make you dip vegetables in the hummus if I really wanted to! And we have to chat about the frequency of these grave site visits, I mean I’ll do my best to be there but I have a full time job and then once it gets into the winter months you know I get cold easily. I can’t be standing out there in the elements. These Chicago winters are no joke.
Jane: Yea, your lips turn purple when it gets lower than 70 degrees out that’s true.

After more discussion, we got the grave-site schedule figured out (a logistical nightmare but thank goodness we checked that off our list!) and enjoyed the rest of our walk through the cemetery. Jane tried to appease me and say that she would leave a gift card at my grave that had two dollars on it, to which I was even more insulted.

Those Geese better stay away from my Dunkin coffee when I’m dead!

A lot of people have used this quarantine to get in shape, organize their homes, or try out new recipes. (I’ve done none of that.) Other people have been really, really bored during this quarantine. Luckily for me, I have been able to keep myself entertained, because honestly, no one can make me laugh quite like I can. So, what have I been doing over quarantine? Well, I’ve gone on a lot of walks. LOTS of walks. Part of my daily routine involves going for a walk, coming home, checking my Fitbit for my step count, being surprised at how low it is and yelling out loud “UGH! THAT’S IT?!!” And then telling everyone around that my Fitbit MUST be broken because I for sure walked farther than it has documented.

Jane and I tried to walk to our brother’s house one day to hang out but he wasn’t home so we looked around for a key, couldn’t find one so then we hung out on his patio for a long time until he returned because in quarantine, time doesn’t matter.
I noticed a trend that a lot of people liked to post their workout results on their social media accounts so I thought I’d jump on the bandwagon and do the same. Felt good to sweat out all those White Claws I drank the night before.

Other than going on walks, another favorite quarantine pass-time of mine is watching recipe videos. I never actually make any of the recipes, but for some reason those recipe videos of the hands making various dishes show up on my newsfeed and they are so mesmerizing that all of a sudden it’s 6 hours later and I haven’t blinked. So that’s really taken up a good chunk of my time.

Other than that, so far during quarantine I’ve watched a lot of shows, drank a lot outside, took a lot of Snapchats and even attempted to make a few smoothies (Went horribly wrong). But my proudest accomplishment so far during quarantine has definitely been getting my haircut. While I’ve been blessed with a great flow of hair, it’s a wild mane, and when it’s not tamed I literally look like Jesus. So when the whole world went on lock down, including hair salons, Jesus rose again:

A Lake weekend when I couldn’t properly maintain my luscious locks.
The Jesus hair’s last supper before I got my haircut.
I have no problem using my nieces and nephews for entertainment so here I subjected my niece Ciara to sit and try out numerous Snapchat filters with me. Despite the look on her face WE WERE HAVING FUN I SWEAR!!!
My Millennial brain could not handle the 80s appliances so I aborted the smoothie mission.
It’s still hard for me to talk about this day when my recording of the Bachelorette failed and I missed the entire episode.

While I am MORE than ready to be done with this quarantine, I am very lucky that my family has been able to stay healthy during all of this. My two biggest complaints have been that the Governor kept interrupting “Inside Edition” and “Jeopardy” to give daily updates and that my Dad changed his laundry day. So with those being my biggest problems right now I am extremely lucky. But my Dad really did throw us all for a loop when he changed his laundry day from Sunday to Monday. He has been doing the laundry on Sunday’s for the last 35 years and all of a sudden he switches things up on us! My siblings and I have never felt so lost and confused.

WE DEMAND ANSWERS, DAD!!!!

Quarantine life hasn’t been ideal, but I’m very fortunate I get to spend it with this crew:

Back in early quarantine when Zoom Happy Hours were fun and cool and not a total and utter BURDEN and absolute drag like they are now.

Five Blessings

The other day I was talking to my Mom about schools doing eLearning during this Quarantine and how hard it is on both teachers and parents. “UGH” My Mom said, “I could not IMAGINE trying to do eLearning with you kids. That would be an absolute NIGHTMARE!” Wow, I thought. A little rude, MOM, telling one of your children that your worst nightmare would be spending all day with them. I THOUGHT YOU SAID WE WERE YOUR FIVE BLESSINGS?! This is not the first time she’s said this since the quarantine started. We get it Mom, your five kids were lunatics.

After I was done taking in this insult, and pulling the knife out of my heart she so casually threw in there, I started to think about how hard it would be for my Mom to be with us ALL DAY. Then I stumbled upon a photo from Easter when I was a baby. Seeing this made me understand why this would be my mom’s nightmare:

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Four of the Five lunatics pictured here. You can see the desperation on my Mom’s face. “Hurry up and take the Picture, MIKE, so I can get away from these nutcases!” Let’s zoom in on my mom a little here:

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That poor, poor woman. This is the face of someone that is in dire need of an alcoholic drink. You can see she is trying to mentally detach from the chaos that this going on around her.

I don’t want to speak for all my siblings, but I’d say most of us weren’t the most studious kids around. After school we really had no interest in doing more school work. I was probably the worst offender on this. I hated sitting down to do school work and would do anything to get out of it. I had better things to do, like play outside or see how many suction cup hooks I could get to stay on my face as you can see from this photo here:

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“Mom! Look at how I can get these suction cups to stay on my face! Don’t I look like Frankenstein?” Was I off to a poetry reading or something next with that turtle neck I was wearing? Who knows.

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Working on my dunking skills here. 2004 Holy Redeemer 8th grade gold ball basketball champion right there. Ball was life back in the day.

I must say, the five of us were pretty creative in some of the things we would do. Our parents were late in the game in getting cable so we really had to entertain ourselves. One of our favorite things to do when we couldn’t play outside was rollerblade in our carpeted living room. Talk about a cardio workout! It was not easy to roll around on that carpet. This was an activity we could only do when my Dad was out of town-he didn’t really appreciate us rollerblading inside. My Mom didn’t really mind, she saw the carpeting as better padding when her clumsy children fell.

The four of us girls also used the living room as our stage to make music videos to our favorite NSYNC, Backstreet Boys or Britney Spears hits. We’d rehearse for a few hours and then give our parents the painstaking task of not only sitting through our show, but filming it for us so we could review it later in order to perfect our dance moves and play our dance in both slow and fast motion. (Jumping off the couch or a chair and doing a spin looked a lot cooler in slow motion). Classic youngest child Jane, having grow up watching MTV with her older siblings, chose, how should I put this, some pretty risque dance moves. She loved to replicate Britney Spears in her early “Baby One More Time” days. Jane even liked to take her show on the road, volunteering to perform at different graduation or family parties. My parents soon after put the kibosh on Jane watching MTV with her siblings.

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Here we see Jane practicing one of her more modest Britney Spears dances as I pretend to step on her. A fight later ensued.

Sadly, after we redid our living room, getting reupholstered furniture and replacing the rollerblading carpet with the “8 Million Dollar Carpet” as my Dad referred to it (and we now still call it, 20 years later), we could no longer roller blade in the living room. I still remember my dad’s lecture he gave us after our living room and dining room were redone. I think he just got the bill from the interior designer so his blood pressure was a little high and he was on edge. “Now listen!” My Dad said, as the five of us sat in the TV room. We could see the beads of sweat on his bald head and the panicked look in his eyes as he thought of all the money this new living room was costing him. “I don’t want ANY of you kids rollerblading in the living room anymore! We practically had to refinance the house after installing that 8 Million Dollar carpet Mom decided to pick out! And I don’t want ANY of you kids laying on the reupholstered couch in there either! The last thing I need is your dirty, greasy, gross bodies staining that fabric! Just stay out of the living room as much as possible!”

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The last known photo of us sitting on the couch before my parents used our college funds to redo the living room.

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The pre-upholstered couch days when we could sit in the living room. You can see the dirt and food on our clothing that we were passing on to that couch.

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Just playing in the living room with our new doll Jane. Jane provided a lot of entertainment for us when she was born. Jane learned from an early age to support her own head. We weren’t going to do  it for her.

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We were all very photogenic.

 

 

If we weren’t rollerblading we were using our parents bed as a trampoline. We had a nice system going where we would line up in my parent’s closet (in order to get a running start) and use the closet doorway to hold onto, lean back and catapult ourselves onto the bed, doing our best flips and somersaults mid-air. Why enroll in gymnastics class when you have a queen sized bed you can just run and jump on? Honestly can’t believe the Jesse White Tumblers didn’t recruit us, we were so good.

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Taking a break from our gymnastics to fake read on my parent’s bed/pose for a Christmas card photo. Check me out-baby genius right there fake reading a story to everyone.

After we tired ourselves out a bit we would all get out our backpacks and sit at the kitchen table to do a little homework. It was a little crammed, and fights would break out if you accidentally got your papers into someone else’s “area” but it was fun all being together, jamming out to some music as we worked away. My mom would be in the kitchen with us, getting dinner prepped and checking on us periodically, helping with various homework problems. As the years went on, and my Mom cared less and less, (both about our homework and dinner) the younger kids relied on the older kids to help them out with homework. This system worked pretty good until we got down to Jane. We were all pretty tired by the time Jane needed help on homework. She racked up quite a few pink slips for “not turning in homework.” Sorry Jane! She turned out ok though.

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A rare photo of me doing homework. Drinking a Hi-C Juice Box to help take the edge off that stressful Math homework.

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What a great looking family.

After homework and dinner we focused our attention on dessert. We NEVER let our parents forget about giving us some sort of dessert every night. If you acted up or didn’t do your chores my parents used “no dessert” as a punishment. Unfortunately for me, being born a “smart-ass” as my parents so affectionately termed me, I spent a lot of nights going without dessert because of my wisecracks and sarcastic remarks. My mouth got me in a lot of trouble. I just couldn’t help myself in getting the last word in. So many times instead of having dessert, I would be laying on the kitchen floor crying as my siblings sat at the table eating ice cream or cookies.

Some nights when the dessert supply was running low my Dad would “raffle off” the last cookie or scoop of ice cream, whatever it may have been. There would be a series of coin tosses between the five of us and the winner would get the dessert. Some times it would be a real nail biter on who would be the last person standing. Many times this caused a lot of fights, usually some tears, but it was very entertaining for my Dad.We were just reminiscing about it the other day and my Dad was laughing hysterically thinking about it:

Dad (laughing so hard tears were in his eyes): “I remember you five little brats would be like vultures all wanting the last Oreo. Certain kids (I’m not going to name any names) would be sore losers if they lost and go off crying after the last coin toss. [Dad continues laughing more] Ahh that was good.”
Me: “Well, maybe you shouldn’t have been so cheap and just bought another pack of Oreos for us instead of starving your five children!”

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Here we are post Oreo raffle. As you can see from the Oreo remnants on my face, I was the winner of this raffle so I was very smitten.

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Looks like I won the Oreo, but lost my shoe on this time. I think I won dessert a few too many times as a toddler. It was my fat stage.

After us fatties got our fill of food, we finally settled down to go to bed. For some reason we found it soothing to fall asleep to various Disney movie soundtracks. Our favorite being “The Lion King.” Because what’s more relaxing than loud African music blasting in your bedroom-AHHHHHH ZENWENNAAAA BADA DEE SEE BABA (I have no idea what the actual African lyrics are to the opening of The Lion King but it sounded like that.) So we made our parents tuck us in and start the Lion King tape before they turned off the lights. Since I hated going to bed (I could never fall asleep) I would always try and delay my parents turning off the lights, asking various dumb questions to stop them. My parents favorite one of my questions that they still laugh about to this day is the time I asked them “What bones are made of.” Classic insomniac, doing anything to stop bedtime. Once we were finally all asleep, our parents finally got a much deserved and much needed break from us.

Looking back on all of this I have so much respect for my parents putting up with us every day. Sure, we were five blessings, but we were also five nutcases. Now I get why my Mom said she can’t imagine what parents are going through during this quarantine, and I can’t either. This quarantine has really made me appreciate not only my parents but all parents dealing with their own “blessings” at home. All I can say to parents out there is hang in there, be strong, and maybe buy an extra pack of Oreos.

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I’m literally climbing a mountain running away and my Mom and Dad (the one taking this picture) couldn’t care less.

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Looks like we were running out of furniture we were allowed to sit on so we had to share.

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I wonder if my Dad thought about leaving us in that forest

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Bridget and me playing with our real life doll Jane again. That was a damn good sucker and I enjoyed it very much.

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Why did I button my top button like a psychopath?

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Hood up, attitude out. I had no time for pictures.

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