One Big Happy Family

A few weeks ago my family went on vacation to California. This trip was about seven years in the making, I almost didn’t believe it would actually happen. But with two siblings engaged, we were under a time crunch to get one final family vacation in before the weddings. My Mom and Dad kept referring to the trip as “our last family vacation” but we kept reminding them that it really should be called “our second family vacation” since the last time we took a real family trip was when we went to Disney World pre Y2K. I don’t blame my parents for the long gap in vacations seeing as when they asked us after Disney World what our favorite part of the trip was half of us responded by saying “The pool at the hotel.” Little did my parents know they could save themselves a few grand and just take us to a public pool for a few days and we would be happy.

Is that John Lennon? Oh no that's just my sister with sunglasses on. And that little girl is way too big to be in a stroller

Is that John Lennon? Oh no that’s just my sister with sunglasses on. And that little girl ( or boy? Can’t tell with the bowl cut) is way too big to be in a stroller.

 There was some concern that there may be fights on this trip. When seven people are forced together for 5 days with no escape, confrontation is usually inevitable. And we have a long history of getting into stupid fights. As much as I hate to admit it, I’m usually involved in the fight if not the one who instigated it. So I would like to share with you a few of our most memorable:
A couple of years ago, while in Michigan, my older sister Bridget came down to the beach pretending to be one of the 3 blind mice. She deliberately hit me with her “seeing eye stick” (Which was an old bamboo fishing pole by the way) so I grabbed it. She pulled it out of my hands, resulting in a severe splinter on my hand. Since my hands are my best feature, I was mad and asked her to apologize. She would not so the fight continued with yelling and snippy comments. Later in the day, while we were all frolicking in the lake, Bridget, sounding alarmed, informed us that she had lost her hair rubberband somewhere in the water. This hair rubberband was very dear to her since she had had it for almost ten years. The family immediately starting helping her look for it in the shallow water. Lucky for me, I had an advantage over the rest of the search party because I am a weirdo and I had been snorkeling, thus, I had my flippers and goggles on. Still wanting revenge for the splinter incident and with anger in my heart, I was determine to find the hair tie. Within minutes I had found it-I now had the power. The family rejoiced but I quickly informed Bridget that I would only give it back if she apologized. She still would not. So I threatened to throw her precious hair rubberband in the deep part of the lake. Her response “Go ahead and throw it. See if I care.” Well that was all I needed. I wound back my arm and threw it as far as I could into the lake. I can still see it flying high in the air (I used to play third base in little league so I have quite the arm) against the sun and then hitting the surface of the water. It was never seen again. My entire family, witnessing this, told me I was a jerk so I yelled something and then left the water to go inside and cry tears of anger. After that day the fight ended but neither of us ever apologized.
A more recent fight we had just a few weeks ago was over fast forwarding through the commercial breaks while watching “The Sandlot.” Bridget and I were both laying on the couch (head to toe of course) and the remote lay just out of arms reach on the coffee table. I wanted her to fast forward since I did it the last couple of times so I figured it was her turn. She wanted me to do it since it was my idea to watch the movie. Words were exchanged, the term “Bitch” was thrown out there a time or two, and neither of us picked up the remote. So we sat through all the commercials, even though we did not have to, and then went to bed. After a good night’s sleep we both realized what a ridiculous argument it was but we were both afraid to even bring up the fight for fear it would cause another.
I can’t only throw Bridget under the bus though. A few years ago Jane and I got in a vicious fight over who would turn off the lamp on our bedside table. Both of us were too comfortable in our beds to reach out our arm and switch off the lamp. I said she should do it since the switch was a few inches closer to her. She wanted me to  do it because she claimed she turned off the light the night before. Jane finally relented and turned off the light but she was very angry. Since my mother taught us that we should never go to bed angry, I kept saying “I love you” to her until she finally said “I love you too but I don’t like you right now.” That was all I needed to drift peacefully off to sleep…after laying in bed for numerous hours since I am an insomniac.
Lastly, my father and I got into a slight disagreement over a box of Honey Nut Cheerios. You see, I really like Honey Nut Cheerios so while at Sam’s Club with my mom, we picked up 2 large boxes that would last me for quite some time. I was just ecstatic to be able to start each morning with my favorite cereal. One morning, when I opened the cereal cabinet the box of Honey Nut Cheerios was gone. “Ok, don’t panic” I told myself. Frantically, I searched around to no avail. Finally, not really wanting to know the answer, I checked the garbage can. I had to cover my mouth to muffle my scream. There, empty and lifeless in the trash, was my box of Honey Nut Cheerios. Luckily, I remembered the second box was stashed away unopened, but I was determined to find out who was responsible for causing me so much pain and anxiety. I needed to find out who this “Cereal Killer” was (see what I did there?) So that night at dinner I very nicely and calmly brought up the subject:
Me: “Who the heck finished off my Cheerios?! I literally never get any food in this house because some pig always eats it before I can get to it!”
Dad (in a stressed out tone): “Well that was me! I HAD to finish them and I don’t even LIKE Honey Nut Cheerios! Who the Hell bought that huge box anyway?!”
Me: “Mom and I did because it was a great deal at Sam’s Club. Sorry for trying to save this family money by buying in bulk. Why would you eat them if you don’t even LIKE them?!”
Dad: “Well I was afraid they were going to get stale! And that box was taking up too much room in the cabinet!”
Me: “I was preventing them from getting stale by tightly closing the plastic bag with a clothes pin! I’m sorry the cereal was stressing you out so much. I didn’t know it was such a burden.” (Sarcasm font)
Dad: “Well don’t buy them again. OK?!”
Feeling bad, I waited a few days to open the second box. But once I did I sent my dad this email to help him cope:
From: Kathleen Kelly
Date: Tue, Sep 10, 2013 at 10:47 AM
Subject: Please Read
To: Mike

Dear Father,

I am writing to inform you of an important matter, and I’d rather you hear it from me than from someone else. At approximately 10:03 a.m. today, September 10th, 2013, I opened the box of Honey Nut Cheerios.
Seeing as you are a lunatic and feel it is your civic duty to polish off the entire box as fast as possible for fear of the cereal getting stale (Even though you don’t even LIKE Honey Nut Cheerios), I sincerely apologize for placing this heavy burden on you. You may think it’s cruel and unfair of me to do this to you, I can only image the stress you must feel of both having to finish an entire box of cereal and provide for a wife and five fat pigs. But at only 110 calories per serving, and the potential to help lower cholesterol, I feel I am really doing you a favor. You may not understand my good intentions now, but I think when you are older you may realize I only opened the box out of love for you.
Please accept my deepest and most heartfelt apology in advanced. And please know that I, and the two other old maids that still live at home and suck every last penny from you (Maggie and Bridget), will do our best to take some of the weight off your shoulders and help eat the box of honey nut cheerios.
Mom and Duke are also here to offer there love and support for you in this great time of need.  If there is anything else I can do to help ease this great burden, please don’t hesitate to call me. Again, I truly am sorry for the inconvenience this has caused you.
Best Regards,
Kathleen C. Kelly
Luckily, there were no major fights on this vacation. But while discussing the movie “Now and Then” Bridget and I did get into a small disagreement about if Chrissy slaps or punches Roberta in the face after she fakes her own death. We couldn’t find a YouTube video of the scene while in California so the argument could not be solved. The jury is still out on that one. The argument never escalated though so we aren’t considering it a fight.
Overall, this family vaca was pretty uneventful as far as fights go. There were no physical or verbal arguments-I guess this means we are growing up. We may get along better, but I think I still have a few fights left in me.


Happy Valentine’s Day!

After making our failed attempt at “Fit for 14” public knowledge, and basically admitting that I have been a lazy fat ass for the past couple of months, I have begun to go to the gym a little bit more. I credit this in part to my last blog post, but also in part to the fact that my roommates (A.K.A. my Mom and sisters) and I added TLC’s hit program My 600lb Life to our list of weekly shows. Each Tuesday we gather in the TV room with our ice cream, Dove bars, or Klondike Bars, and get inspired by the show. Do I go to the gym every day? No that’s just unhealthy. Plus if I went every day that would mean I would have to wash my hair everyday and everyone knows you aren’t supposed to shampoo every day because it strips the natural oils from your hair making it dry and frizzy. But today I went to the gym and as I was running on the treadmill at an incredibly fast rate of speed (…Ok I was jogging….fine I was walking…Ok you got me, I just happened to be standing on the treadmill) a commercial came on about Valentine’s Day. Woof. This company was advertising a four-foot giant fuzzy teddy bear, saying it was the perfect gift for that “special woman” in your life. I thought to myself “are you kidding me?!” If I had a boyfriend and he gave me that I would break up with him. What the hell am I supposed to do with an obnoxiously large teddy bear? Sleep with it in my arms in my twin bed? There is no room! I like to sleep on an angle!  And where am I supposed to store that thing after Valentine’s day is over? There are a lot of people living in this house so we have no room for a big fat teddy bear. And I hate clutter so chances are I’m just going to get rid of the thing. One of these days when I get a boyfriend (Fingers crossed!) I am going to ensure that he knows the key to my heart is through my stomach. Get me a nice steak dinner, some chocolates, an Edible Arrangement (I will only accept the ones with the chocolate covered strawberries or marshmallows) or ice cream. Give me something I can actually use not some inanimate object.

I may not have a boyfriend, but I am not one of those people who are bitter about Valentine’s Day. I enjoy the day just as much as couples do. I just simply like to remind people who are celebrating the day of love about the historical events that occurred on February 14th. Like the St. Valentine’s Day massacre that took place in Chicago in 1929 or how St. Valentine was actually beheaded on February 14th, just to name a few. What can I say, I’m a History buff. I mean really it should be a day of mourning and remembrance, just saying, but no I guess no one asked me.

Here is the shirt I plan to buy myself when I get a boyfriend

Here is the shirt I plan to buy myself when I get a boyfriend

Love is in the air at the Kelly house I guess with my brother and sister both engaged. Thank God I own the movies Father of the Bride and My Big Fat Greek Wedding to help mentally prepare myself. I keep telling my parents to enjoy all the wedding buzz while they can because I have a feeling we are going to go through a bit of a wedding dry spell after this. In all honesty, I just don’t have time for a boyfriend right now with my schedule the way it is. I get up, empty the dishwasher, watch Inside Edition while eating either salsa and chips or Triscuits and Kraft Singles, and there goes my day! Then I eat dinner and Full House is on Nick at Night from 7-10, followed by Friends so my nights are packed as well. Having a boyfriend would make introducing myself to people a little easier though. Instead of saying “Hi my name is Kathleen, I am unemployed and have no boyfriend. Yes I do realize I look about 14 but I am actually 22” which is what I usually have to say, if I had a boyfriend I could say something along the lines of, oh I don’t know, “Hi my name is Kathleen, I have no job but I do have a boyfriend and to quote the Beatles love is all you need so I am over the moon” But that’s just an example.

One of these days I plan to celebrate Valentine’s Day with my significant other. Until then I will keep working on “Fit for 14” and keep my eye out for Mr. Right. This year, since it falls on a Friday I am going to celebrate with some good friends and a bottle (maybe two) of the finest wine money can buy-Barefoot Mascato and I will be happy.